The War At Home

I live in the suburbs, on a tree lined street in a nice home. All the houses around us have manicured lawns and look quite lovely. This is all a cover for the evil that lurks beneath the Stepford exterior. This is not the paradise that the image conjures up. No my friends, this is a community that is feeding on itself. We are engaged in a life or death battle with some of our neighbors. It is a silent game of one-upsmanship that threatens to tear at the tenuous bonds that hold society together. What could be causing all this consternation you ask. The only thing that really seems to matter in the suburbs....Holiday decorations.

This Friday is St. Patrick's Day. This used to not be that big a deal outside of the Irish community and AA meetings, which come to think of it are usually one in the same. Now however, St. Patrick's (no, not Paddy's) Day is becoming a season unto itself. I am 100% Irish. I'm a proud American in case INS is reading this, but all of my family emigrated from the emerald isle. We're so Irish that my mom was born on St. Patrick's Day and my parents were married on March 17. I tell you this so you know I'm not some bandwagon jumper who wants you to kiss him because he's Irish only one day a year. Hell, you can plant one on me on Groundhog's Day or Oct 3rd for all I care.

One of our neighbors, who also claims Irish heritage hung a lighted shamrock somewhere around Valentine's Day. I had my decorations ready, but was unwilling to unveil them at such an early date. I had found a very cool (in suburban terms) inflatable leprechaun coming out of a pot of gold. This was going to be the crowning glory of my St. Patrick's display. On the appropriate day, I put up my St. Patrick's Snoopy flag, leprechaun wind sock, lighted shamrocks, (3) and the king of all decor, my inflatable. We had the best house on the block. In reality, we had the best of two, seeing as the rest of the neighborhood has the good sense not to get involved in a second tier holiday battle royale. Everything was golden until I got back from Iowa. To my dismay, my arch nemesis in the world of outdoor illumination had tried to best me. Not only had he gone out and bought an exact replica of my blow up leprechaun, he had also strung green Christmas lights in one of his trees. The Nerve!

Now I am at a crossroads. Do I do the mature thing and let this go, knowing full well that he is down the block rubbing his hands together in a sinister way and claiming victory, or do I do what I normally do and over- react. "Wife" and "Daughter" seem to be with me on this one. We will not be disgraced! "Daughter" recommended stringing green rope lights over all our trees and bushes. I think it would be better to make a huge banner that reads "We're More Irish Than The (name deleted because we still have to live here March 18th.)" Either that or I could slip down under cover of darkness and make a wee incision in their leprechaun. I won't do either of those things, but there's a good chance I may have a few pints and put green lights in TWO of my trees. Drunk decorating. That sounds like a great idea. Later...Brian