Double Shot Of Rock

Sometimes I see a story and it makes me laugh out loud. Today I saw one of those stories. Legendary rock group KISS opened a coffee house today in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. That's right, now Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley can go toe to toe with Starbucks and Jaun Valdez for your caffeine addicted dollar.

The news footage showed the amusement park style shop complete with a gigantic lighted KISS logo. The opening was attended by hundreds of fans from as far away as Colorado. I bet they had to drink tons of coffee to stay awake for the trip. The KISS faithful were done up in makeup like the band (I would have thought that hot coffee would wreak havoc on that grease paint) and sported various KISS tattoos and outfits. I wish Gene and Paul had followed the fan's lead. Man, these guys are ancient. It kind of ruins the illusion that they are still leather clad, hard rockers when you see these senior citizens shilling another product while trying to keep their second and third chins from sagging. Paul stood in front of the crowd and said, "man does not live by bread alone, and he can't just live to rock, so we decided we'd give him something to eat and something good to drink." Oh no! I was just living to rock for all these years. I better head to South Carolina for a KISS "rock-a-chino." He also told the fawning crowd that Myrtle Beach was the "best place to get the party started." Damn straight! When I think party starting capitols of the world, South Carolina pops right to the front of my mind. Wait, that's only if I were starting a Klan party. I also don't know how to do the Shag.


Here's the thing. When I was younger, I was a huge KISS fan. While I was never drafted in the KISS army, (a "recruiting" booth is at the coffee house. I don't know if that can get you deferment from Iraq, but I bet the uniforms are cooler.) I did enjoy the music. Now however, all I see when I look at these codgers are guys who'll sell their names to anybody and let them slap it on any product for a buck. Last year, Kiss announced that they had lent their names to a company that makes caskets. What better way to go to the afterlife than being sent there in a "Love Gun." When I saw the coverage of the coffee house opening, all I could see was death in their eyes. These guys should just rent themselves out like NASCAR drivers and let people put stickers all over them. At least then they'd seem more honest. Do you think KISS really knows or cares about coffee? Why do you think they put it in South Carolina? I'll tell you why, because then they'll never have to see it or hear of it again and in three months when it closes, they'll be somewhere else with their shill-nanigans.

Maybe I'm just mad because I won't be able to get a cup of "Demon Blend" and a Detroit Rock City scone for my morning commute. I'll just have to settle for going to the Huey Lewis and the News Pancake House for my Hip To Be Square skillet. Later...Brian