Your "Lifestyle" Is Ready

Well, as promised here's my update from Columbus. The first show went great. Even though the specter of "auditioning" is hanging over my head, I will not crumble. I've been a comic for too long to let that kind of thing bother me anymore. In the past, I would have collapsed under the pressure and been quivering in the corner like a wet dog, but no more. Now I can drink my worries away. Much better. It didn't hurt matters that a woman came up after the show and told me I was "One of the funniest guys we've ever seen here." The manager was standing next to me, so score one for your favorite guy. Yes, I'm tooting my own horn for a second, but I never know who's reading this, so I need to get the word out.

The club is located in a new "Lifestyle Center". That's a fancy term for a kick ass mall. These things are popping up all over the country. Developers are trying to trick us into thinking that these malls are the equivalent of small town America. A place where good, God fearin' folk can gather and buy over priced Banana Republic T-shirts. They fashion them after a town square, with little streets lined with specialty shops and charming vegan bistros all surrounding a mall with the usual stores and a 30 screen multiplex that only shows 12 movies. Do we really need to see "RV" on six screens? There are a number of bars and chain restaurants too. The aim of all this is to get you to part with all your hard earned dollars in one place. That is if you have any money left after buying the gas to drive to the "Town Center".

If you don't have a "Lifestyle Center" near you, it's because you're not cool enough. That's right. These centers are usually built in affluent areas where trendy, suburban hipsters hang out. What's the point of having a center with three Starbucks in an area where most people think fine coffee comes out of a machine at the gas station? This place is like the Disneyland of shopping. Everything is clean, and there is a "Main Street USA" feel to the whole place. I think if you were to look behind the walls you'd find an army of mole people keeping the whole thing going. Even the homeless are wearing Aeropostle.

I was told that this particular "Lifestyle Center" was the brainchild of the man who owns Victoria's Secret. When I heard this , all I could picture was an army of lingerie wearing models parading around the mall. Imagine having your car valet parked by an anorexic beauty in a garter belt and stockings, or having the custodians picking up trash in some lacey boy shorts, a demi bra and angel wings. Is this heaven? No, it's the mall. Unfortunately, there are no models to be found, only the usual assortment of teens with bad attitudes and baggy pants.

I spent some time this morning on the "Wags and Elliott" show on Q-FM in Columbus. It was a blast. I know I've said this before, but I love doing radio. I especially love going on a show where the hosts are funny, secure in their positions and just want to have fun. These guys have been in this market with great success for a long time. We had a ball. If you get to Columbus, tune in or check them out at qfm96.com

I think it's time to wrap up. I've been here at Panera Bread for a while and my ass is starting to hurt. Time to walk around the "Town Center" and pretend I'm in a high school production of "Our Town". If I look hard enough, I'm sure I can find one of those lingerie models. Later...Brian