Da Wine

Many times people become famous for one thing, but due to arrogance, greed and in some cases actual talent, move on to become successful in other fields. A lot of times the old saying "don't quit you day job" comes to mind when being subjected to the side careers of our favorite actors, singers and sports personalities. Do we really need to see Busta Rhymes vying for Oscar consideration, Don Johnson or Bruce Willis (I couldn't decide who was worse, so I lumped them together) catterwalling with some session band, or drink fine wines brought to us by every Chicagoan's favorite Grabowski? Put down your Boone's Farm kids, the coach is here.

It was announced today that Mike Ditka, yes that Mike Ditka, the one with the slicked back, Gordon Gecko hairdo and ever present wad of gum, has partnered with a California winery to produce five wines. The wines will ship this week, and each bottle will feature a doodle of the coach's head. There is no word yet as to whether the bottles will be swaddled in a vintage Bears sweater vest. The bottles will cost between 10 and 50 dollars and be sold at fine wine retailers like Costco. Brown bags sold separately. A top of the line bottle of Mike Ditka wine is some sort of zinfandel, syrah, petite sirah mish-mash called "Mike Ditka Kick Ass Red." If that doesn't scream extraordinary vintage, what does? The coach also has a pinot grigio for around $10. "My wife only drinks pinot grigio." Ditka announced while taking a break from counting his dirty money.

A lot of people, me included, question whether Coach knows anything about wine. He claims "there's no wine ever made that I didn't try." That settles it then. With that kind of pedigree, I know a lot of drunks who need their own label. Before you get too worried, Coach is quite the bon vivant. His name also appears on frozen pork chops, barbecue and steak sauces and a cheese spread. Who knew? The guy is quite the renaissance man. He lead the Bears to a Super Bowl victory and attended culinary school. I hear he's two months away from becoming a cardiac surgeon.

I don't mean to sound bitter. If I ever get famous, I'll lend my name to every two bit business that can back the dump truck of money up to my house. I'll slap my caricature on so many products, I'll make Krusty the Clown look like a business ethics professor. I just hope I can convince enough consumer lemmings to sit on a "Brian Noonan Comfort Ass Lounger", while enjoying the "Noonan Carp and Chips micro-wave dinner bowl" and wash it down with a cold can of "Brian's Brew." Then they can put on a pair of my signature footy pajamas and curl up under a faux down comforter with my head sewn into it and dream capitalistic dreams. Drink up. Later...Brian