Lights, Camera, Hammered

Here's a tip for all you recovering alcoholics and those who wish they were. If you're having a "slip", a "relapse", or a hell of a good time, keep your teenage daughter away from the video camera. Better yet, keep away from your kids all together.

Hunky star of stage, screen and life guard tower David Hasselhoff has been in Las Vegas starring in a no doubt, top notch production of "The Producers". "The Hoff" who has made no secret of his battle with the bottle, had supposedly asked his children to video tape him if he ever "slipped" in his sobriety so that he could see what he was like when he was drunk. Good plan if you're Bob, the insurance salesman from Boise, not so good if you're an international celebrity who rocks Germany on a regular basis. Also, who really wants to see what they're like when they're drunk? We all know. We think we're funny and charming when in reality we're dumb and scary. Wouldn't you know, the artist formerly known as Michael Knight, got hammered, and his personal paparazzi were on hand to record it.

A shirtless Dr. Jekyll is shown on the floor of a hotel room locked in mortal combat with what looks like a "Six Dollar Burger" from Carl's Jr. Don't ask me how I know, just trust me on this one. He stares at the burger in all it's drippy goodness and proclaims it a "mess". Hoff is mumbling answers to his kid's questions and trying to figure out which hole the meat should go into. His daughter asks him why he drinks and he says he's "lonely and has trouble in his life." Hey Hoff, join the club. The whole world has troubles, but ours don't get us a huge paycheck, a suite in Vegas and our crazy mug on billboards, not to mention a close proximity to Pamela Lee. Stop making excuses and above all, stop dragging your kids into your problems. Their dad used to drive a talking car. Haven't they suffered enough? Now you make them record your drunken sob story over fast food burgers while you roll around on a hotel room floor? Put on a shirt and suck it up.

I think Hasselhoff might have worse problems then a relapse. Have you ever seen the exposes on the news about all the fluids and germs in hotel rooms? I bet if you shined a black light on Hoff's torso after his floor bound feast, it would look like he was wearing a paisley shirt that was alive. I've dropped things on hotel room floors and burned them rather that bring them home. I can't imagine dining down there semi dressed. He needs two showers. A cold one to sober him up and a steaming hot "Silkwood" bio-hazard scrubbing to feel clean again.

Don't forget the big show Saturday night/Sunday morning from 1-5 am on WGN. I was named the official host a few weeks ago, and I'm having a ball. Listen and you will too. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian