Get That Out Of Your Mouth

Today I might sound more like a cranky old man than I usually do. I try to keep an open mind about things (Really? Hey this is my post, I can write whatever I want and by the way, stop arguing with yourself like someone else is there.) and remember that I was once a youngster, prone to bad decisions (that hasn't really changed) and willing to be a slave to popular trends that vanished as quickly as a pastrami sandwich in front of Rosie O'Donnell. Even with my new found accepting attitude, sometimes I'm pushed to the brink and forced to exclaim either out loud or to myself, "What are you, nuts?"

Yesterday, "Daughter" and I were running errands. She's out of school for the Summer which is another story all together. As it was lunchtime, and I'm such a nice dad, I gave her the choice of picking a place for us to enjoy some mid-day sustenance. I knew what she would pick given our location at the time of the request, but I like to let her make the decision. She feels large and in charge, and that's a good feeling to have once in a while. "Daughter" suggested we dine at the bastion of fine Eastern cuisine, Panda Express. Nothing says "welcome to the exotic far East" like red plastic trays and a steam table, but I have a soft spot for Orange Chicken, that sickeningly sweet combo of chicken parts and breading in a gelatinous sauce, so off we went. I actually don't mind Panda Express every once in a while. For a fast fix to quell a craving for Chinese food, it isn't half bad. There's a ringing endorsement huh?

Here's where Mr. Cranky was roused from his fitful slumber. We walked up to the counter and were greeted by a young woman. I couldn't tell you exactly what she said, because the sounds emanating from her face were gurgled and sounded as if she were drowning on some lobster sauce. I thought the difficulty may have come from my end, since I've been known to not pay the utmost attention to uniformed food slingers. That wasn't the case. Every sentence this girl tried to force from her mouth came out so garbled that I thought I was listening to a Trans-Atlantic propaganda broadcast from Tokyo Rose. The ordering process at Panda Express is fairly simple and shouldn't require my asking "What?" or "Pardon me?" thirty seven times. Maybe this unfortunate fake blond is touched in some way and is incapable of clear speech, I thought in a rare moment of compassion. Not so. When she finally turned to face me, in what I hoped was a move that would clear the static from our communication, I spied the problem. This 19-22 year old girl had a piece of metal jammed though her tongue that was the size of Tiger Woods' golf tee. Since she wasn't screaming out in pain, I figured this wasn't the result of a wayward Ginsu knife, but rather the culmination of a really bad thought process.

I've seen pierced tongues before, and not only in gentleman's clubs or illicit DVD's. Many seemingly rational people are willing to jam hunks of metal through their tongues to alter their speech patterns. That's not the reason they do it of course. These human pin cushions will tell you that they're expressing their individuality, making a statement or, the most popular reason reason I've heard, (and I make it a point to ask as many of these orally decorated individuals as I can for their justifications) is that it enhances certain sexual acts. Wow, how bad is your sexual partner that you need them to plunge a barbell through their tongue in order to get you going? I may not be the most adventurous guy in town, but suffice it to say, I have made a few trips around the block and I have never thought to myself, "Hey now, that thing she's doing feels great, but you know what would make it even better, a hunk of metal grating me like fine cheese." Add to that the fact that while basking in the afterglow, you have to talk to someone who purposely made themselves sound like an audio book read by Lou Ferrigno and Marlee Matlin. Yeah baby, I'm ready for round two. Even if your tongue piercing wasn't a nod to sexual adventures, the image will still be there. You can't sell a tongue piercing as anything else. Well, I guess you could sell it as stupid, but that's just me.

I pointed out to "Daughter" the ridiculousness of the piercing and she agreed that the girl sounded challenged and looked like her second career would most assuredly involve a carnival midway. Hopefully I was able to get my point across during this bonding/mocking moment and she will remain piercing free except for the more socially acceptable ears, which send only one signal, namely, I want someone to buy me diamond earrings. We'll see how that works out.

Guess what? I'll be hosting two installments of WGN Overnight for the next few weeks. If your weekend plans include very little sleep, tune in tonight and tomorrow night ( 2-5 am Sat. morning and 1-5 am Sun. morning) for the big shows. Twice the fun for the same low price. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian