Go F Yourself!

The Associated Press conducted a poll asking people if we live in an age of profanity. What a stupid f*****' poll. Who the f*** doesn't know that people are swearing like a** h**** all the f****** time. What kind of dumb motherf****** have to ask such half a**ed questions? Man this is fun!

The poll found that 74% of respondents said that they encountered profanity in public frequently or occasionally. That really narrows it down doesn't it? I can't believe that 100% haven't encountered profanity. Maybe the other 26% are so busy swearing at people that they can't hear cursing from others. F*** yeah! Over two thirds of the people polled said they used the "F word" at various times. The other third of the population being either dead or in a monastery.

I have to admit that swearing is an integral part of my lexicon. To quote the fine f*****' film "A Christmas Story", I work in profanity like other artists work in oils. I enjoy the challenge of stringing swear words together to create new strains of profanity. It's like jazz. I improvise and genius is revealed. I do make an effort to curtail my cursing in the company of women and children. "Wife" and "Daughter" have had the distinct pleasure of being in the proximity of some of my "solos", but I usually try to do that in the privacy of our home. There have been a few times that I let loose with some colorful language in public. I always think that I'm saying things under my breath, but "Wife" informs me that the world is listening. They should mind their own f*****' business, those busy body pr***s.

I do tend to feel bad after a public outburst which sets me apart from a lot of other folks. We were at an outdoor concert last summer. It was a family event and there were lots of children present. I had put on my shock collar and was on my best behavior. The drunks behind us had left their collars at home and were cursing up a blue streak. I'm not exactly sure what a blue streak is, but they were going at it pretty well. I try not to be a hypocrite, but I felt it was my duty to tell these people to be quiet. I calmly turned and reminded them that there were lots of kids around and maybe they could watch their language. I was very nice about it. The first time. One of the group decided that courtesy was not his forte and kept swearing in a loud voice. "Wife " looked over at me and gave me the nod, which meant that I was now collarless and all bets were off. I uncoiled my substantial frame from my seat and spun on the guy. "I asked you nicely once. If I ask you again, I won't be so nice." My threat worked.

My high school English teacher told us that "profanity is the linguistic crutch of the ignorant." What the f*** did he know? I'm smart enough to use other words, but sometimes you have to talk to people in a language they understand. I'll try to keep my swearing private, but if I can't you can kiss my a**, you piece of s***. Let out a few. It feels good. Later....Brian