The Grass Is Always Greener

For the last couple of days, Spring has made an appearance in Chicago. Most people would rejoice over this fact, but not me. Spring ushers in another season of cut throat competitiveness in suburbia. The lawn season is upon us and I seem ill prepared for it.

The season actually started last Fall when my next door neighbor was running over his yard with what appeared to be a giant cheese grater. Chunks of dirt were everywhere, making the lawn look like a fast food worker's acne scarred face. Being the nice guy I am, I laughed and asked what the hell he was doing. "I'm aerating the lawn." He had a smirk on his face that I knew meant I was missing a major step in lawn maintenance. He claimed that if you did this in the Fall, your lawn would grow better in the Spring. I thought he had a head full of fertilizer, but I see that his grass is already greener than mine. Bastard!

We have already established that everything in suburbia is a blood sport. The guy I bought my house from took great pride in showing "Wife " how much greener his lawn was than the neighbor's. He claimed it had to do with the sprinkler system. I think it had a lot to do with being anal retentive, but who am I to judge. This morning at the bus stop (where all neighborhood issues are discussed) I was privy to a discussion on fertilizer. It seems that I'm a little behind in treating my lawn for the upcoming Spring growth. When I said that I hadn't done my lawn yet, I was greeted with giggles and a patronizing head shake. I know what these guys were thinking. "Ha! Noonan's lawn is gonna be brown and the target of a Summer of mockery." After the St. Patrick's Day decoration massacre, I'll be damned if I get bested in the lawn care category, so it was off to Home Depot, the homeowners friend/nemesis.

The mind boggles at the amount of effort that goes into creating a lush lawn. The number of fertilizers and types of spreaders had my head swimming. I enlisted the help of a member of the orange apron brigade. I always start these exchanges by stating my ignorance. I figure that way I'll get good information and be assured that I over pay for things I don't need. This guy actually made it very simple and gave me the rules of lawn fertilization. I'd share them with you, but I don't want your grass looking better than mine.

I asked a friend what kind of fertilizer he used. He laughed and said, "a service." I don't know whether to be envious or full of pity. Sure, he can have someone else do the dirty work while he sits on his patio and laughs at their toil. What fun is that? I will best my neighbors and then be able to gloat while basking in the glow of a job well done. See you in the yard. Have a great weekend. Later....Brian