Thanks For Nothing

Every time I go to fill up my trusty vehicle I wonder why the low prices we were promised have never materialized. I'm sure there's not a single person who doesn't curse the oil companies as they watch the digital tally speed by on the pump, a constant reminder that driving the kids to soccer practice now costs more than Pele's first contract. After we flip off big oil, we then mentally flog ourselves for lusting after big, comfortable, gas guzzling vehicles. I'd like to drive an electric car or one of those roadsters that run on McDonald's used French Fry grease, but have you seen the size of them? I need something a little bigger. I like my cars like I like my women. "Low and wide, that's the Cadillac ride." That's how I roll.

Today I thought there was some help on the horizon. GM announced a plan to cap gas prices at $1.99 a gallon for people who drove their vehicles. How great is that? What a benevolent company. It made me proud to drive a GM product. Then I read past the headline.

GM will cap the price only in California and Florida. When we lived in California, I knew gas was higher than here in Illinois. The party line was that it had something to do with pipelines, or refineries or price gouging. You know, the usual things. I'm not sure of the situation in Florida. Maybe the prices are higher because the oil companies figure all the senior citizens can't read the big signs at the gas stations since they can barely see over the steering wheel anyway. I've always found Florida to be one big trailer park, so I don't see why they get special treatment. It's not like they'd know how to vote anyone out of office if there was a problem.

Not only is GM limiting where the cap will be in effect, you need to purchase a new vehicle, and not an efficient car like a Metro or one of the other soup cans that get better mileage. No, you need to buy or lease one of the vehicles that burn enough fuel to make Iraqi oil field fires seem like a place to roast marshmallows. Some of the vehicles on the approved list include the Chevy Suburban, GMC Yukon and the Hummer 2&3. Hummers? When you have to spend $150 bucks to fill the tank just to run out for milk, I don't think a cap on gas prices matters to you. I really don't believe that the yahoos with a Napoleonic complex and penis envy who drive Hummers are worried about what they pay at the pump. I'm sure they just worry about their own inability to pump.

So now you've bought your monster truck, and you live in one of the chosen lands. That's enough right? Man are you gullible. You also have to sign up for OnStar service. That'll cost you at least $16.95 a month. That way GM will always know where the biggest suckers are. Big Brother is watching and laughing. Then they'll send you a check every month for the difference between what you pay for gas, and the $1.99 "big savings" price. It's estimated that someone living in California who drives 1000 miles a month can save a whopping $100 dollars. Woo Hoo! That's ten percent of the payment on my Hummer. That might seem like a large car payment, but you can't put a price on pretending to be Norman Schwartzkoff.

My friend believes that the high gas prices are some evil plot by the oil companies to see how far they can push the public. How high will we let the prices go before we revolt. People have already started stealing gas. Pretty soon the revolution will come and we'll all end up like Mad Max in "The Road Warrior", driving around looking for people who we can knock over for petrol. I'm down with that. I look great in leather and I love driving fast. Viva La Revolution! Later....Brian