Get In Line

First, let me apologize for missing yesterday. The day was chock full of excitement and got away from me. I'm sure no one cares, but at least now I feel better. Correction, I felt better. That was until I read another story regarding a "celebrity" and their screwy life.

You all know Anna Nicole Smith, if not biblically, then by reputation. She is the former smoking hot Playboy centerfold and Guess model who lost what little their was of her mind, became a bloated drug addled reality TV "star", and then lost all her weight with the help of "Trim Spa baby". She has been in the news the last couple of weeks because after moving to the Bahamas, and giving birth to a baby, her 20 year old son came to visit and dropped dead. There's nothing funny about that. It's the rest of her life that's a circus.

In the center ring is the question of who actually planted the seed that became this poor baby. ANS kept quiet about the paternity throughout her pregnancy. The identity of the baby daddy was debated all over the internet and in frat house bedrooms, where pimply faced freshmen worried that DNA on a poster could mean child support payments. Finally her lawyer/sycophant Howard K (not to be confused with the other one) Stern said he was in fact the father. Not to be out done, man about town Larry Birkhead (I don't know who he is either, and I did some research) claimed he had bumped uglies with ANS and the baby was the unholy product of their union. He went so far as to hire a high powered attorney and file suit demanding custody. I'm not sure if he knows that would be custody of the baby and not of ANS's sweater puppies. Today, two other guys have come forward claiming to be the father. I think when it all shakes out, I'll be the only guy not claiming paternity. On second thought, I ay have to throw my hat (so to speak) into the ring. it might give the radio show a nice ratings bump.

I really feel bad for this baby. She's only a couple weeks old and it's in all the papers that her mom is a whore. We all kind of knew it anyway, but if the DNA stew that makes up your baby has that many possible chefs, it's time for the Board of Health to condemn the kitchen. I think it would be quite confusing for a child to receive birthday cards from fourteen different guys all signed "dad", and Father's day would be nothing but trouble. Life's hard enough without having to grow up knowing that your mom is the human equivalent of a sperm bank. There, I got to vent a little. Hey, if you're up late tomorrow night, be sure to catch the show on WGN from 1-5 am. Laura is out of town, so I'll be all by my lonesome. My good pal, writer/comedian Mike Schmidt will be calling in from LA at 3 am. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian