Paging Mr. Griswold

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving. The meal went off without a hitch here at the casa, and my culinary skills were unparalleled as usual. There was only one slight drawback. I had to work Thanksgiving night, so as soon as I finished eating, I had to go to bed for my pre- show nap. I didn't get to have any dessert, but I've more than made up for it in the days since.

This weekend, Christmas came to my neighborhood. No, there were no parades or jolly men in red suits, just a bunch of guys and thousands of tiny lights. The bloodsport that is exterior holiday illumination began in earnest on Friday. The weather was a huge contributor. Chicago has been enjoying a week of sixty plus temps, and my neighbors decided to take advantage. I slept late on Friday since I had been on the air all night, and when I ventured out early that afternoon I was greeted by a flurry of activity. It was as if Christmas decorations had been delivered by U.N. air drops. Every driveway was littered with lights, garland and plastic holiday figures that after years of exposure, now barley resembled the friendly characters of years past. I did what I normally do. I mocked a couple of my neighbors. "It's still November," I shouted with thinly veiled disdain. "Yeah, but it's warm," they skillfully retorted. I went back in the house to have another piece of pie, but thoughts of holiday grandeur kept interrupting my pie fueled bliss.

Saturday was another unseasonably warm day, so I decided I should at least make an effort to start decorating. I still think that we're all rushing the season a little, but I also knew that if I waited, I would be left shivering in sub zero weather trying to inflate my snowman (no, that's not a euphemism) and losing my fingers to frost bite trying to string some lights around a dying bush. I also knew that my neighbors would descend on me like jackals, laughing and taunting me as I lay in my driveway suffering from hypo-thermia. I doubt any of them would even offer me a cup of hot cocoa. No, all I would get would be well deserved mockery. I enlisted "Wife" and "Daughter" to help me drag the decorations out of the crawl space, then after finding the stuff for the outside, I went to my staging area, the garage.

Last year, I made use of decorations from the old house. The new place looked OK, but when you're going for neighborhood domination, OK doesn't cut it. Instead of putting up lights, "Wife" and I went looking for some new stuff. After about ten minutes in an over crowded and over heated store I had the first of what I'm sure will be many holiday melt downs and ran from the store screaming. I consulted the Weather Channel, learned that Sunday was going to be a good weather day too, and resigned myself to get started then.

I started decorating Sunday as most of my neighbors were finishing up. I laughed (this time to myself) that it had taken some of them three days to finish. After five hours of tedious and frustrating illuminating, I quit on Sunday, far short of perfection. Yesterday, I went to get more lights and extension cords, since I had used all of my supplies during my marathon session on Sunday. "Wife" had decided that we "needed" to put lights in all our big trees. She's as bad as I am. I spent another five hours working on the trees yesterday, and no, I'm not taking long breaks, I'm busting my decorating behind. Yesterday I strung a grand total of 2800 little lights in my trees, as well as a spotlight for the Nativity scene. I discovered my snowman had a tear, so I had to patch that and will be adding him to the mix today. I figure I have about an hour worth of work left before I finally say "enough". A grand total of eleven hours just so I can pay a huge electric bill and sit in my house secure in the knowledge that I rule the neighborhood, in my mind at least.

Does the place look festive? Sure it does, but as I discovered when I went to bed last night, it also has the appearance of a US embassy in a hostile country. The place is so illuminated that trained assassins wouldn't be able to sneak on the property. Not only wouldn't they escape detection because of all the lights, but the little dancing snowmen who sing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" would rouse me from my winter slumber. I anticipate some last minute additions from some of my envious neighbors, but so far reviews form passers-by have my house at the top of the list. I've got a couple spare strings of lights in the garage just to be safe. Later...Brian