The Belly Of The Beast

Seeing as the anniversary of Pearl Harbor was yesterday, I decided to take my life in my hands and start my Christmas shopping. I really don't know how the two are related except they were both horrific days that will live in infamy.

I hate Christmas shopping. It's not the money, or the effort, or trying to come up with the perfect gift (which I always do). It's dealing with the public. If you think my near paralyzing aversion to decorating my Christmas trees was bad, it's nothing compared to my desire to avoid the mall from Thanksgiving until early February. I know what you're saying. "Brian, shop on-line. It's so much easier." Sure, that may be true, but then what would I have to complain about. The other thing is, "Wife" handles all the high finance here at the casa. If I were to make a bunch of on-line purchases, she'd see the credit card statements and ruin the surprises. Why do you think all my porn is old school mags? I siphon cash for six months so that I can have a totally under the radar Christmas. By using cash, not only doesn't "Wife" get to monitor my spending Big Brother style, but I get to watch the faces on all the seasonal department store help as they try to figure out how to make change and why I don't have to sign anything.

I always try to make the shopping process as streamlined as possible. I spend a long time thinking about what I'm going to get people, then I send "Wife" out to get everything. She doesn't seem to mind, since shopping is a contact sport for her. The only people who I'm responsible for are "Wife" and my mom. After I get my ideas, I sit in a dark room and visualize the mall experience. I picture my route, what door I will go in, and the most efficient way to traverse the mally terrain. My best laid plans are always ruined by folks who are actually shopping. They meander, browse, stop, meander some more, and they're always walking in some four across formation that necessitates me throwing a stiff arm to get by them.

Today my visualization worked almost perfectly. I knew exactly what I wanted to get "Wife" and where I would get it. I zipped in through a different store to check on something for myself, (why shouldn't I treat myself nice?) and then quickly arrived at my destination. After a few minutes going over my options, I made my choice, whipped out my wad, (no pervert, my cash) and was on my way. As I headed out, I allowed my eyes to shift their focus and even found an item that "Wife" and I had been saying we needed. Bonus. Only the traffic around the mall hindered my progress. I got done so quickly I had time to meet my friend for lunch. Now I just have to convince "Wife" to pick up my mom's gift and I'll be golden.

If you're up late tomorrow night, don't miss the big show on WGN from 1-5 am. Laura and I have lots of holiday fun planned and we'll be playing another installment of "Man vs. Machine" for your chance to win lovely prizes. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian