The Cruelest Cut

Belgium must be a pretty boring place. When not feasting on delicious chocolate and window shopping for new lederhosen, things must be slow. What else can explain scientists giving an iguana Viagra?

I must have missed something. Have all other diseases been cured? Is cancer a thing of the past, are diabetics rejoicing over the fact that they can eat a Snickers without the fear of coma, can men in bath houses romp freely without fear of the dreaded virus? That can be the only reason that learned men are worried about a lizard getting it up. Maybe this was just some crazy frat prank. I can see it now, all the scientists sitting around their terrarium after a hard day of doing whatever it is scientists do, probably something scientific. Maybe they just got done watching the Sound of Music (I know it's set in Austria, but Belgium doesn't have any sweet movies I can reference and be honest, you don't really know the difference) and an idea pops into their heads like the chiming of a cuckoo clock. "My friends, let's give this iguana a hard on." I'm sure in their schnitzel induced fog this seems like a good idea. It's just like the guys who tried to get your dog drunk or high in college. Funny for you, bad for Fido. Usually these hair brained schemes are thwarted by one sane voice. You would think that in a room full of scientists, one of them would have at least asked "why".

Mozart, that's the iguanas name, has had an erection for over a week. Depending on your circumstances and the company you're keeping, this may not be a bad thing. For Mozart, however, having an engorged iguana unit ( really, how big are we talking?) has proven a problem. The same scientists that gave him a pill induced chubby have now decided that they need to amputate the offending member. They claim this won't bother Mozart because iguanas are blessed with two meat hammers. That's a crock of science sludge. I don't care how many man mallets you have, nobody wants one cut off. Can't they figure out another way to get it down? Aren't there iguana hookers who would know lizardy tricks to deflate young Mozart. I think the scientists should have to handle it, if you'll pardon the pun. They got him all excited, they can't just leave him all pent up like a forced virgin on Prom night.

This is why I'm always a little leery about scientists. Sometimes you're too smart for your own good. When you can solve things too quickly you're left with time on your hands and then look what happens. Later...Brian