Now The Drapes Match The Carpet

I've been MIA the last couple days because I've been trying to deal with everything Britney. It all started last weekend when I saw the footage that shocked the world. You know what I'm talking about. Britney walked into a beauty shop (are they even called that any more?) and shaved her head. It was the latest hair removal plan for the former Mouseketeer, and only slightly more acceptable in public than the smooth landing strip she flashed us all a couple months ago. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that Britney looks like a young Sinead O'Conner or that she chose to take care of her beauty needs in "the valley". If you're a crazy, rich, bloated pop star, shouldn't you be waxing your dome in Beverly Hills? When asked why she decided to go Kojak, Brit explained it as only she could. "Hey Y'all" she said between snaps of Big Red, "I'm tired of people touching me, I want people to stop touching me." That may not be a direct quote since I'm not sure the brand of gum she was snappin', but it's pretty close. Doesn't want people touching her? Who's following bald chicks around? Unless Captain Kirk is in the area, and you happen to be blue, I think you're safe. This no touching thing will come as a surprise to her two children, since kids are notorious for wanting to touch their moms. Judging from the looks of things, I don't think Britney is too worried about the kids.

Then the welcome news came yesterday that Miss B had checked into a plush rehab facility in Malibu. At least she didn't go to a half way house in Reseda. Someone must have talked to her. Thank goodness I thought, finally the Britney train will be back on track. How long will we have to wait for the ultra hot Britney of old to return to form so that she can be lusted after by millions and keep the leeches in her entourage filled? True to form, Britney fled rehab without even earning her one day chip. I know a little about rehab, and twelve hours usually isn't enough time for things to stick. Now she's on the loose with no more hair to shave and limited skin surface to tattoo. Did you ever think K-Fed would seem like the reasonable one?

I can't feel sorry for Britney. I have some feelings, hey bald is kind of kinky, but anger is the overwhelming one. I don't know why I'm upset. It seems like she's fulfilling her destiny. She always has been a hillbilly from Louisiana, and seemed like the only thing separating her from "white trash' was her zip code, and now her life is playing out like an episode of "Cops". Doesn't she have a mother? Listen lady, I know you've been suckling off the teet of your daughter for years, but it's time to take charge. The gravy train is out of control and on a collision course with Anna Nicole. I'll stop preaching for now. Maybe everyone around Britney and Britney herself will wise up and put in a grueling 72 hours of rehab to keep the pop princess from becoming a showbiz statistic. Later...Brian