She's Outta This World

You've got to feel bad for Lisa Nowak. Here's a woman that was valedictorian of her high school class, graduated from the Naval Academy, earned a Masters degree in aeronautical engineering, flew as a test pilot while caring for an infant (Probably not at the same time, but that would have been impressive. I'd like to see someone breast feed at Mach 3), and became a full fledged astronaut, and now the only thing she'll be remembered for is wearing a diaper.

On the surface, this story is hilarious. A brilliant woman, caught up in some real or imagined love triangle decides to confront her rival for another astronaut's affection. Not content with flying the 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, that's too slow, and besides, her mallet, knife and BB gun wouldn't clear security, she hops in her car for her own private Gumball Rally. Lisa is used to long trips, having been to space and all, and she knows that time is of the essence. I can't presume to know what was going through her troubled mind, but in my troubled mind it must have gone something like this. "East bound and down, loaded up and truckin'." Wait, that's Smokey and the Bandit. I think it was more like this. "I've got to get to Florida, stat, and take care of that astronaut hussy. How can I shave off a few minutes? I know, I'll wear a diaper and stew in my own juice for twelve hours. That way, I'll save time and be extra aggravated when I get there." To me that's the only reason to put on a space diaper. How long does it take to use the bathroom anyway? I know I've grown impatient waiting for "Wife" and "Daughter" a few times, but never enough to suggest they don some Pampers.

Since we all know hindsight is 20/20, reports are coming out now saying that there were signs that something was wrong with Nowak before the attempted kidnapping and murder. I have another theory. Space Madness. Bare with me. I saw it happen to Steve Buscemi in Armageddon and to both Ren and Stimpy in one of their cartoons. I think the pressure of being a space traveler and mother finally got to her. That and I have a feeling the object of her affection played a part in this. What better way to seduce a woman than by telling her you're an astronaut, especially if she's one too. Imagine the anti-gravity fun you could have in the simulator. I can only speculate on the carnal ecstasy that can be enjoyed while floating in space. The robotic arm could prove quite an enhancement.

I think it just boils down to someone going temporarily space crazy for love. We've all done something stupid under Cupid's influence. While I never put on a wig and trench coat and loitered at an airport waiting for my prey, I have spent hours listening to Desperado by the Eagles and driving past a girls house for days on end. I would expect someone as smart as Lisa Nowak undoubtedly is, to take things to a new level. A high school drop out just throws a rock through her rival's window and yells "bitch" while driving away in her '87 Honda. An aeronautical engineer, heads out on a cross country trek with rubber tubing and a vendetta. All her years of hard work and dedication were tossed aside and only her obsession remained. I hope her doctors figure out what shorted out her brain. I'm not backing off the "Space Madness" diagnosis just yet. But until we know for sure, I'm still loving the image of a crazy chick in a diaper. Blast off! Later...Brian