Death Is All That's Left

It's said that only two things in life are certain, death and taxes. Since I spent the morning with my accountant doing my taxes, I'll be extra careful crossing the street today. It just dawned on me that I used the term "my accountant". How cool is that? I actually have "people". The next thing you'll know, I'll have a lawyer on retainer, a personal chef and some guy to walk around behind me, gladiator style, to remind me that I'm not a god. I'm getting closer to becoming Oprah every day.

Like just about everyone in America, I dread doing my taxes. Dealing with the IRS is like having a sit down with Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas". I just keep waiting for an audit notice to come bearing the edict "F*** You, Pay Me!" Love, your government. The IRS is a mysterious bunch. You only hear about them once a year, but if you forget them, they come after you like a psychotic one night stand. You can get away with a lot of horrible things in this country, but if you mess with the IRS and don't pay your taxes, you're looking at many years of dodging your new cell mate/husband, and wishing you hadn't tried to deduct your trip to Maui with that stripper as a research exploration.

I'm in a weird position when it comes to tax time. Since I'm self employed, there are a whole bunch of deductions I can take and things I need to make sure I document. "Wife" always asks why we can't just use one of those computer programs that claim to do your taxes in twelve minutes and to be as accurate as Ray Charles playing darts. I can barely post on of these missives, do you really think I'm going to entrust my financial future and firm backside to some program I picked up out of the clearance bin at Wal-Mart? The tax laws are changing as fast as the line-up in the Pitt-Jolie house and somehow I don't think I'm going to be up on all the subtleties. The way it is now, I'm always surprised that for a guy who isn't exactly drowning in cash, my tax return is as thick as the Quad Cities phone book.

My accountant lists my occupation as "entertainer". She always takes great joy in telling me that she also does the taxes of a couple of "ladies of negotiable affection" and that they are listed as entertainers too. That's terrific. Being in show business already makes me feel dirty, but now to be in the same league as a high end trollop adds a new level of pride. I guess it's fitting. I do sell my services to the highest bidder and want everyone to be satisfied when I'm done. I look great in spandex and blue eye shadow too. Not really, I was just taking things the next logical step. I like looser fitting clothes. I hope that if I ever do have to go in for an audit , the IRS agent doesn't expect a different entertainer to come bouncing through the door. That would be an extension I would not accept. Later...Brian