Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

I've mentioned a number of times my love for the cinema. If I haven't, well, I have a love for the cinema. While the cinema itself rarely makes me question my devotion, other people may cause the demise of our relationship. Did you like how I kept using the term cinema? It makes me sound like one of those hoighty toighty reviewers when in fact I'm just a guy who loves going to the movies.

Sunday afternoon the Noonan clan headed to the local multiplex to catch Spiderman 3. I'm not here to review the film, but I will say this. Spiderman rocks. I know a lot of the so called "reviewers" had mixed feelings, but I'm always willing to cut Spidey a little slack because he is, in the words of Master Shake, "the shiznite". I had a few complaints, but not enough to make me break bad on the web slinger. The movie was full of action, laughs, and violence, three of the four things needed to make a perfect film.. Nudity is number four, but nudity has no place in a super hero movie unless Sue Storm drops trou in the new Fantastic Four movie. It wouldn't matter anyway, because she's the Invisible Girl. Man I'm a geek. So we're at the movies, remember? A movie filled with violence and a PG 13 rating. Can someone please tell me why the theater was filled with four and five year old kids? Kids who would not shut up.

Throughout the entire movie, the theater was buzzing with the high pitched voices of barely out of diapers children who had no business being at Spiderman 3. They talked incessantly and their parents did nothing to quiet them. Maybe these people are so used to tuning their brats out at home that they don't even hear them anymore, but we do. No amount of dirty looks could get these simpletons to realize that the rest of the audience didn't care that little Johnny had no idea who J. Jonah Jameson was or that Venom was scary. Of course he's scary. You're too young to be here. I know it's hard to find baby sitters and sometimes parents are forced to see kids movies instead of what they really want to see, but tough luck. The rest of the world shouldn't have to suffer because you're too selfish to realize that a two and half hour, violent scary movie may be too much for a kid who can't get through an episode of the Wiggles without two potty breaks and a sing-a-long. If I take"Daughter" to a kids movie, I expect noise and chatter, and am usually surprised because the kids are quiet since they understand the movie. Give a kid an ogre, a talking penguin or a wise cracking donkey, not super villains bent on the destruction of a friendly neighborhood super hero. Just because there are costumes doesn't mean it's a movie for kids. I kept my temper in check and "offered it up" for the duration of the movie, but I wanted to head butt all the parents as they exited the theater. "Wife" was in total agreement with me this time, which always makes me feel less crazy.

Here's a tip. If you can't get a babysitter, wait to see that adult movie until it comes out on video or DVD. Then you can expose your children to whatever images you want in the privacy of your own trailer. Then, if you can figure out how all the buttons work, you can pause the movie to answer all your little inquisitors questions. that way, you can still see your movie, and I can enjoy an evening with my beloved in peace. Shut Up! Later...Brian