Somebody Call Amtrak

There was a train wreck Sunday night in the middle of the desert. No, it wasn't caused by faulty rails, a cow wandering onto the tracks or hobos starting a Sterno fire in a box car. This calamity was caused by a fading pop star attempting her big "come back".

Britney Spears, ( a favorite target of this space) opened the MTV Video Music Awards with a performance so stiff and uninspired it reminded me of my first intimate encounter. Supposedly Britney cried when it was over, making our experiences even more eerily similar. Wearing a black bra and panty set that she had obviously spent hours painstakingly Bedazzling, a bad blond weave and Nancy Sinatra's old go-go boots, Britney attempted a lip-sync walk through of her new single. I think it's her new single. By the way she was butchering the words, she may have been trying to bust a 50 Cent rhyme. Her mouth was so out of sync that she looked like an old Clutch Cargo cartoon. Britney's "dancing", once the fuel for many men's erotic longings, made her look like Herman Munster having a panic attack. When the camera got close to her face, you could see the mix of fear and tequila in her eyes.

Every shot of the audience during her performance was a study in embarrassment. While I'm sure some of her "peers" took perverse pleasure in the debacle they were witnessing, most of the expressions had the appearance of horror. You know the look, like when your drunk aunt starts hitting on the waiter, or your dad tries to dance the lambada. You feel embarrassed for them, since they obviously have had the shame mechanism disabled in their brain. Britney not only has had that mechanism disabled, she burned down the factory where they're made. I have one word for her, rehearsal. Maybe a few less margaritas (allegedly) and a few more minutes of prep and I would have had to find something else to write about.

A lot has been made about Britney's physique. Being the picture of fitness, it's unfair of me to judge her. No it's not. I think she looked fine. I can see why some people would make snide cracks. She has made her career more on her physical attributes and movements than on her singing ability, but for critics to call her fat is ridiculous. She's pumped out two kids, taken time off, and devoured more fast food burgers than Popeye's friend Wimpy. Did she look a little fuller around the waist than when she stripped down and danced with the snake? Sure, a little. Maybe she should have picked a different costume, I don't know, but all the criticism goes to show what a screwed up view we have of body image. She did bring it on herself. Live by the abs, die by the abs. I say, "You go Britney! More cushin' for the pushin'."

Britney reminds me of a young, female, Elvis. She's a hillbilly with a lot of money, she has a penchant for bad food and wacky behavior and she has an entourage of "Yes Men" who only tell her what she wants to hear. She even started this grade school amateur contest performance by quoting the King's song Trouble. It's too bad her comeback special didn't feature great vocals and tight black leather. Later...Brian