Dude, Where's My Wife?

ALLEGEDLY! There, now I've got the legalese out of the way. I've seen enough court room dramas and police procedurals to know that I need a disclaimer to protect me from what I'm sure will be some scandalous remarks. Am I wimping out by protecting myself this way? Perhaps, but I'm sure today's subject needs some cash and Lord knows I'm swimming in it. (Typing stops while laughter engulfs me.)

Unless you've been busy disposing of your spouse's body, you know the story of Stacy Peterson, the young mother who has been missing for almost a month. You also know that her creepy husband Drew Peterson is a suspect in her disappearance. On the surface, that doesn't seem like a story that would hold the nation's media outlets spellbound. You need to throw in all the other details to make this a story right out of a pulp novel.

A sleazy cop with a porn mustache and a penchant for ill fitting Hawaiian shirts (he's a Jimmy Buffet fan after all, but who isn't? Well I know a couple of people, but they're no fun anyway. Why wouldn't you like...Wait a second, I need to get back on point), starts hitting on a hotel desk clerk thirty years his junior. Creepy right? I'm not old enough to even think about dating someone thirty years younger that me for about six years. Wait, didn't I tell you, he's still married to his third wife. Yeah, third. His other wives left for a number of reasons including physical and mental abuse. Wow big daddy, what a catch. So creepy cop's third wife divorces him so he can marry the poor gullible teen queen, and then, mysteriously winds up dead in a bathtub. Did she drown? Maybe, but there's no water in the tub. Was she beaten and then put in the tub by some serial abuser who was now involved with a child? Do you believe the new autopsy that says she was murdered? Creepy cop says he had nothing to do with the death of Wife #3. He is a victim of bad luck. Then Wife#4 goes missing. More bad luck?

Drew Peterson has been blaming the media for all the suspicion that has been focused on him. At first, he wouldn't make any comments to the media, running out of his suburban tract house, kerchief pulled over his mouth, dressed like someone planning a train robbery. That was when he was a "person of interest". Now that he's a suspect, he is courting the media like it is a teenage girl that will soon be Wife #5. He went on the Today show twice and regaled Matt Lauer with tales of PMS and "other men" while barely being able to quash his laughter. He begged for a lawyer and no surprise, got one. Now a day doesn't go by when the "clown prince of crime" isn't holding court with the reporters who have set up camp outside his house. He's mugging for the cameras, joking with the female reporters (possible targets of his muskiness?) and yesterday began his post serial killer career as a video film maker by taking us all on a guided tour of his home and life. Someone should tell him that snuff films don't sell very well in case he's getting ideas. He also posed for People Magazine, landing on the cover and bumping poor Carrie Underwood to the side column. The nerve! Now comes news that Drew received an unsigned letter from someone claiming to have seen Stacy in Peoria, Illinois at a grocery store. That makes sense. If I were to run away from my family causing a massive search and national coverage, I'd head to the "Jewel of the Midwest" and loiter in the dairy section of the local Kroger.

I don't want to say this guy is guilty, but I wouldn't keep any blue barrels around the house if he was mad at me. Does anyone believe his story other than OJ and Craig Stebic ?(Husband of missing wife Lisa. Remember her? Of course not. Her story lacked all the extra slime of this one, and her husband has squirreled himself away hoping to avoid the intense scrutiny of "Johnny Law".) How much bad luck can one guy have? I think he knows he's going to be caught, and is just living it up until the inevitable knock at the door comes. I'm sure if "Wife" ever "left me for another man" (wink, wink) I would listen to my lawyer and keep my mouth shut. Not our man Drew though. He's so sure he got away with everything that he can go on mounting his crazy campaign against the media and Lady Luck both of whom have done him wrong.

I do blame the media a little because we can't stop covering the story even when there is nothing new to report. Since I am a cursory member of the media, I will now do the responsible thing and shut up. I think I'll go take a bath. I better hurry. I don't want Drew to hear about this and offer to loofah my back. Just in case, remember, I'm way to big to drown in the tub, I'm not leaving "Wife" for another woman and my peanuts were delivered in a small barrel, not a big blue one. Later...Brian