Yap, Yap, Yappin'

I've spent the majority of the last week not being allowed to talk. Despite rumors to the contrary, I haven't joined a monastic order, taken a vow of silence or lost a bet. I've been on what the kids call "voice rest". I really don't think the kids call it voice rest. They probably don't call it anything other than, "Hey why is that giant old man flailing about and waving a legal pad at us? What a dork.", but play along. If you remember, I underwent throat surgery last week to remove a polyp that had taken up residence on my right vocal chord, which, as you can imagine, proved quite an inconvenience for a major media star such as myself. (indulge me) "Wilbur", as the polyp came to be called, was dangling just below the "vibrating plate" of my chords and would flip up, interrupting my speech, blocking my windpipe and creating all kinds of oral displeasure. For the last month, I alternated between sounding like Darth Vadar's breathing machine and Brenda Vaccaro, then I'd morph into Peter Brady during his big "Time To Change" solo. All the while, I could feel "Wilbur" flopping around like the lid on a Peterbuilt's smoke stack. The surgery took place last Thursday and yesterday I had my post-op appointment with my surgeon. All the news was great. My throat is healing nicely, "Wilbur" was benign, and I was given the green light to to gradually begin talking.

Not speaking could be the hardest thing I've ever done, discounting trying to pull off wearing pastel pants in 1987. It wasn't made easier by my discovery that "Wife " and "Daughter" are stupefyingly horrible at charades. I knew immediately that sign language would not work with them, so I resigned myself to writing short notes. I commandeered a dry erase board and some colorful pens from "Daughter" and pulled out a legal pad for backup. I love writing on legal pads. It makes me feel like I have a real job. Note writing didn't help much either. Have you ever tried to write down your thoughts while people attempted to read over your shoulder or upside down? No? Try it and then add in the wrinkle that they read each syllable aloud. I had to shout (write in capital letters) "LET ME FINISH FIRST!" "Wife" and "Daughter" also quickly determined that if they didn't look at me, they could ignore me. Imagine my joy.

Going out in public proved even more bizarre. I printed out a sign and taped it to the back of my legal pad that read "I've Had Throat Surgery. I Can't talk For Awhile. I'm Not Being Rude." I thought this would make things go smoothly. Boy was I way off. First, people don't expect to have to read without any notice. Flashing a note at them throws their world off kilter. Those three simple sentences caused so much confusion that I began to question whether Ed Asner's entire "Reading is Fundamental" campaign had been for naught. Folks would cock their heads like my dog's do when I read them sonnets and try to figure out why a man was using flash cards at Jewel. ( local grocery store, for non-Chicagoans) The other strange phenomenon was that once the semi literate were able to comprehend the sign, they somehow lost the gift of speech themselves. I can't tell you how many people jumped back like I was Typhoid Mary, looked at me with pity and then mouthed something akin to "I'm sorry". I'm not sure that's what they said, since they wouldn't speak up and my surgery had left me mute, not deaf. They would either become mimes or begin to ask me a litany of questions that I had neither the ability to answer nor a sufficient amount of ink to write out.

Thank God it's over. I unveiled my improved voice on the show last weekend and then put it back in it's box until the all clear was given. I think I sound much better, and judging by some of the feedback I've gotten, other people agree. There was a moment when I wondered what kind of voice would come out when I first opened my pie hole. Would I sound the same, have a high pitched helium voice, or a new, deep as whale poop set of pipes? I think the end result is pretty similar to my "pre-Wilbur" voice. The only drawback isn't mine. "Wife" and "Daughter" can no longer escape me by simply turning their heads. I am Brian hear me roar. Gotta go. I have a lot of people I need to talk to. Later...Brian