Big Man In A Wee World

I make no bones about it, I'm a big dude. I don't walk around hunched over or keep my gut sucked in trying to fool myself or others into thinking I'm petite. While I'd like to be slimmer, I love being tall and have used my size to my advantage on a number of occasions. You'd be surprised how quickly some mouthy drunk will shut up when I get up from a chair and extend to my full glory. I'm talking about my height not my other full glory, although that might shut someone up too. Today, society went out of it's way to remind me just how big I am.

"Wife" and "Daughter" were kind enough to give me a new bike for my birthday. It's not the motorized hog that I dream of, but a nice "Comfort" bike. It's a great gift and I was looking forward to family rides on the trail, or riding into town to my favorite dive bar. This would kill two birds with one stone. First, I'd be exercising which I need, but I'd also be avoiding any potential DUIs. Win win if you ask me. The problem came when I examined the bike. "Comfort" bikes have shocks on the front fork, higher handle bars, a wider seat, (thank God) and a shock absorber on the post that holds the seat. My girth made that shock absorber more like a flat tire. Every time I tried to sit, the seat would sink about six inches, and when it did the front of the seat was driven into the lovely area commonly referred to as the "taint". I'm still sore hours after sitting on the bike, and there's no tactful way to ask "Wife" to kiss that boo-boo. Thankfully, I was able to switch out the post for a solid steel one more befitting the giant who would sit upon it.

My next stop was at the La-Z-Boy store. I've always wanted a La-Z-Boy, and now that I'm advancing in years and income, I'm going to get one. Who knew there were so many different sized recliners. When I told the sales woman what I was looking for, she told me, "oh, you need our big man's chair. They're in the back." Sure they are. You don't want beefy guys sitting in recliners in the front of the store. There would be a lot of snoring and farting and it would scare off the more fashion conscious customers. The woman was trying so hard to be PC that I had to give her a hard time. I asked the difference in the chairs and she said, "well theses are higher in the back and wider." "Just what I like, higher and wider." I said, and then she started stammering about not meaning wider necessarily, but built for a bigger guy. I pretended like I was crying and ran out. Not really, but that might have been really funny.

I'm still going to get a recliner. You can label it "Ginormous Couch Potato Docking Station", I'd still plop my happy ass in it. I'm big, now get over it and let's recline after our bike ride. Later...Brian