My Day In Court

Today I was "in the system" as Andy Sipowicz used to say on "N.Y.P.D. Blue". I hadn't been arrested and taken to the tombs, I just had to go to court. Now this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm not always the law abiding, conservative corner stone of society that I appear. Sometimes I act with little or no regard for the law, and when you live on the edge like I do, sometimes the man cracks down and plants his boot heel firmly on your neck. I know you're wondering what heinous crime I committed that brought about my appearance in front of the magistrate. Was I running guns, selling dwarf babies into slavery, unlawfully betting on goat races in the Sudan? No friends, I hate to shatter your faith in me, but I wasn't wearing my seat belt.

I don't remember if I told you this or not, but last month, I was leaving the radio station early one Sunday morning. I try to wear my seat belt as much as possible, but to be honest, while I'm all for seat belt wearing, I think the law that says I have to wear it is asinine. If I want to endanger myself, who is the government to tell me I can't. Unless I fly out the windshield and land on someone, the only person who will be hurt in a beltless accident will be me. Plus, I feel very trapped when I have a seat belt on and am wearing a winter coat. My feelings about the law aside, I was also speeding. I can't drive the speed limit no matter how hard I try. I think that because of my size I need to be traveling at a higher rate of speed just to feel like I'm moving. So I was busted by the man and given two tickets. My license was taken and I was told to report to court this morning.

I haven't been to court in years. When I have gotten tickets in the past, it was usually when I was on the road and some red necked, jack booted sheriff had nabbed me in some backwoods speed trap. Court always makes me nervous. Even though I knew I wasn't in any real trouble, I always think there will be some mishap that will result in me being dragged off to the hoosgow. I also figure that at some time I'll feel compelled to regale the judge with my disdain for certain laws. I'm sure that wouldn't end well. After checking in with the surly court clerk, I waited for the judge to call my name. I saw the officer who was the instrument of my destruction sitting in the front row. My name was called and I nervously approached the bench. "Mr. Noonan, you're charged with speeding and not wearing your seat belt." When the judge said it, it didn't seem like I was such an outlaw, just another run of the mill hump who had a lead foot. The seat belt ticket was dismissed because it was my first offense. One down. "On the speeding, how do you plead?" I probably could have dragged things out and gone into a whole Al Pacino, "you're out of order" scene, but hell, I knew I had been caught fair and square. As Sammy used to sing, "don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Don't do it." It was time to man up and take my medicine. "Guilty." I said it with a little sneer to add effect. I was fined a whopping $30.00 and $30.00 more for court costs. Small price to pay. Of course I'm on probation for four months, so I need to toe the line for now, but just wait until May.

I've got to take a shower. Rubbing elbows with all those hardened criminals in traffic court has left me feeling dirty. I guess some time in the joint will do that to a guy. I hope I can acclimate to being back out in society. Buckle up. Later...Brian