Flipper To The Rescue

"Everyone loves the king of the sea. Ever so kind and gentle is he." Those words introduced baby boomers to Flipper the spunky dolphin who was "faster than lightening" who could always be counted on to save the day because "no one you see, is smarter than he." Does it bother anyone else that I know all the words to the "Flipper" theme? Who doesn't love dolphins? Maybe tuna fishermen, but do any of us really hang out with Mr. Paul on a regular basis and listen to his maritime complaints? I didn't think so. We love dolphins if we're fortunate enough to see them in the wild, at an aquarium or jumping through hoops for our amusement in some back alley aquatics show. Now we'll have one more reason to love them, because they may save this country.

The Navy has been training dolphins (Sea lions too, but who cares about sea lions? They're loud, slimy and they stink. Don't believe me, take a whiff of one and get back to me.) to protect the Bangor Naval base on the Puget Sound. These crafty creatures are being taught to put leg cuffs on terrorists, set off alarm beacons and other tasks to protect the Trident submarines that inhabit the Sound. I can see it now. Some unnamed terrorist group thinks it will be slick by sending some frogmen to destroy the subs. As they enter the Sound, their tiny hearts beat with anticipation of the dreaded act. Suddenly they are surrounded by sea mammals who slap the cuffs on them and give them an underwater beat down that would make the LAPD jealous. Then to celebrate, the dolphins would pull a show girl around on a boogie board and be given a couple of mackerel for their trouble. It all sounds great.

There always has to be a fly in the ointment however. A group of "environmentalists" is saying that this is cruel to the dolphins. They claim the water is too cold in the Puget Sound for our flippered friends who are used to more temperate climates. Too bad. I was used to a more temperate climate when I was in California, but I had a job to do so I moved to Chicago. Listen Bubbles. Somebody has to go in that water to protect our shores, and it ain't gonna be me. Sure, you're blow hole may constrict a little and your flippers will experience a little "shrinkage", but sacrifices must be made. The Navy says they'll look into it. I say start making dolphin sized wet suits.

The only problem I can envision is this. If we can train a dolphin to do good, how long until someone trains them to do evil? Am I the only one who saw "Day of the Dolphin"? Really? Just me? It was a "science fiction" movie about a scientist who trained dolphins to speak. They were stolen by an evil group and trained to place a mine on the President's yacht thus blowing him to smithereens. Sure, in 1973 that seemed like a crazy, acid induced slice of Hollywood insanity. It doesn't seem so crazy any more now, does it? Dolphins would have the perfect cover. We all trust them. You could see a dolphin standing on your front porch and think nothing of it, then BLAM! It could be going on already. I saw a guy milling around the post office who had a gray slimy head and a high pitched voice. I don't want to scare you. Just be on alert and carry some fish in your pockets. They're suckers for fish.

Don't forget to join me on WGN late Saturday night/early Sunday morning from 1-5 Am. I'd tell you I have a great show planned, but you know that already. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian