All That For Fifteen Seconds?

While the title of this post may suggest something of a disappointing adult nature, the subject, while just as disappointing, lacks even the smallest illicit thrill. After over forty nine hours of television (according to the always snarky Ryan Seacrest) America has voted and we now have our new American Idol. If I were a responsible blogger, I would now type in bold letters "spoiler alert". Since I am not, Jordin Sparks won. While not my first choice, at least she beat the always annoying, thin voiced, beat box argyle fetishist Blake.

The way Fox packaged the finale would make you think that there is nothing more important in the entire world. From the amount of votes that were reported (over 73 million) I guess there isn't. Who am I kidding? Every week my family parked itself in front of our 61 inch pacifier and suckled from the bosom of AI. I knew we were losing perspective, but the life affirming nourishment we received kept us functional for another week. Now it is over. What will we do on Tuesday and Wednesday nights? Talk, play a game, interact in any number of ways? The mind boggles.

Since I spent over two hours watching the finale, I feel it is incumbent on me to at least share a few of my thoughts. That and it will fill up the rest of today's post.

- Two hours? Really? How many bad musical numbers do we have to sit through so that Seacrest can read one name?

- Answer: About 37.

-I'm all for bringing back the former winners, but doesn't it make you feel a little bad that you liked them in the beginning. Yeah, I'm talking about you Taylor. Suddenly your dancing and hunched over harmonica playing look tired and hokey. I want my votes back.

-Speaking of former winners. Damn, Kelly Clarkson is one angry, rock dominatrix.

-Is Carrie Underwood actually made of molded plastic? She stands perfectly still on her anorexic legs and if you look close enough, you can see the hinges that make her animatronic jaw move.

-Where does Ruben buy his suits. That big boy looked sweet. You go with that pink shirt and tie Velvet Teddy Bear.

-Were no singers under the age of 60 available? Wait, Green Day was there. Did they add about six verses to "Working Class Hero"? Was Billy Joe performing while asleep?

-Is Smokey Robinson trying to hypnotize us with his crazy eyes?

-Bette Midler. Who? Why? Did she even know where she was or why she was singing one of the worst songs in the world? Was Jerry Springer really crying because of the song, or had someone in front of him broken wind?

-Don't the idiots who win the "Golden Idols" know the world is mocking them? It's a time waster and it's not funny. That guy does look like a bush baby.

-Am I the only one who's tired of Sanjaya now?

-Was that Joe Perry's pride that Gina tripped on later in the show?

-Why couldn't an East Coast/West Coast war have broken out during the Blake and Doug E. Fresh beat off? I mean beat box off, I mean desperate attempt to make the show seem hip.

I could go on, but then it would take you as long to read this as it did to watch the show. In the end, the more talented finalist won out and we got to see Randy Jackson dressed like Captain Crunch. All that was missing was the Seacrest/Cowell lip lock that I'm sure took place back stage. It's a long time until January. Later....Brian