Blogonomic Crisis

I got an e-mail from my friend Mike who accused me of going all "groundhog day" and subjecting visitors to this site to repeated viewings of my last (albeit worth re-reading) post. His mockery cut me to the quick because I have not been slacking, I have been trying to make sense of everything that is happening in this country. Someone has to find a way to skewer the election, the economic fiasco, two Chicago baseball teams choking harder than would-be porn starlets on audition night and the sight of Cloris Leachman doing the hand jive in a low cut blouse. It is an overwhelming task, but one that I thought I could handle if I put my mind to it. When that didn't work, I whipped up a few cocktails, in the hope that sweet lady liquor would grant me the insight that rational thought had not. Despite comforting me in her warm embrace, my ninety proof lover offered no insight into the situation and I was left as confused as before, but also suffering from a Mai-Tai hangover. That's all well and good, but it's time to set fingers to keyboard and get Mike off my back.

I wish I could make some sense out of the "economic rescue plan", but to be honest, when it comes to finance, my expertise doesn't extend past understanding "buy one, get one fee" at the grocery store. My retirement plan consists of an old wine carafe filled with change, scratch off lottery tickets and the hope that some rich guy hits me with his Bentley while I'm in a cross walk. I think I'm like a lot of people who understand what we need to about money, namely, can we pay our bills, put some away and have some fun every once in a while? There is plenty of blame to go around and I know people lost a lot in the stock market, but I have to hope that the situation will right itself with the right leadership. How's that for naive? I guess that explains the afore mentioned retirement plan.

I watched the third and thankfully final Presidential debate last night and came away from it with a profound dislike for plumbers. I knew we were in for trouble the minute John McCain mentioned "Joe the plumber". Every news outlet, talk show host, blogger, hack comic and bitter electrician has been talking about this guy for the last twelve hours. As time has gone on, some facts are being brought to light that cast "Joe the Plumber". (I think legally that's how I have to type it every time) in a different light. He may not be the politically concerned man he was portrayed as, and his plumbing company might not be raking in the kind of bucks that would drop him in a higher tax bracket. What a surprise. Of course none of these revelations have stopped McCain's lipstick wearing, pitbull of a running mate from invoking this pipe wrench wielding tradesman's name at early rallies this morning. This debate was a little more interesting then the last two, but I couldn't help thinking I was watching an argument between Skeletor and The Joker. John McCain came off as an angry man whose shiny skull and clacking teeth frightened me and I'm sure any small children that happened to wander in front of the TV. Barack Obama, while cool under pressure, kept flashing his huge grin, giving me the impression that he was having a separate debate in his head and that he was killing with snappy retorts.

Both "Wife" and I were gob smacked (I've always wanted an excuse to use that phrase) by one thing that Senator McCain said during the discussion of education. I'm going to paraphrase, since at that point I was fighting a duel with the sandman that I would eventually lose. McCain was talking about getting better teachers and mentioned one of his proposed programs that would take soldiers right from the battlefield and allow them to become teachers without "all those tests" and certifications. Now, I have a lot of respect for our men and women in the armed forces, but that's just crazy talk. Let someone teach without taking any tests? Why can't Johnny read? It's because PFC No Certificate couldn't explain a gerund. I'm well aware of the extensive training that service people go through, but I think it's quite a leap to equate their training to the training a teacher undergoes. I don't want a Special Forces expert, trained in Black Ops, being pulled from behind enemy lines and deposited into a kindergarten classroom. I fear that during a heated game of "duck, duck, goose" he would be startled by the shout of goose and become the killing machine that we need in wartime but not before recess. Why can't Johnny read now? Well, it's because his windpipe was crushed by Sargent Slaughter's garrote. By the same token, I wouldn't ship a kindergarten teacher straight from a "don't eat your paste" lecture to quash a rebel uprising.

As for Cloris Leachman and the baseball downfall, I can't worry about those things any more. It's time to look to the future, and that future involves creating a frightening house for Halloween. That might not carry the same weight as other concerns, but if I don't get a ghoulish specter hung in my tree, there will be hell to pay. See Mike, I told you I'd post today! Later...Brian