What Language Am I Speaking?

I've always prided myself on being a good communicator. I make my living talking and usually people seem to understand what I'm saying. There are always some people who don't, but I usually chalk that up to stupidity, drunkenness, or lack of oxygen in the womb. It seems the only place where my message is completely disregarded is at home.

I'll start by saying I love my daughter. "Daughter" is a very smart and funny little girl. I know she is rarely drunk and as far as I know, she received all the oxygen she needed in utero. So why doesn't anything I say register with her? For nine years we've been telling her to chew with her mouth closed, but every time we sit down for a meal I'm treated to a technicolor viewing of her entree. You'd think she'd do what we said just to shut us up.

I know I'm not the only parent in this position. All my friends say that their kids are prime candidates for Miracle Ears too. Is it really that they can't hear us? No! I've had "Daughter's" hearing tested 72 times. It's perfect. The problem is that they ignore us. How many of us have been the recipient of the rolled eyes, or the huff and stomp? I'm at a loss. Yelling doesn't do any good, they just look at you like dogs looking at a fan. I think the only answer is complete humiliation. From now on if "Daughter " ignores my edicts, I'm going to embarrass her in front of her friends. Maybe a tutu and clogs during the next slumber party. People already think I'm insane. I have nothing to lose. She better pay attention, I can paint my face and mime everything at the next parent teacher conference. Later...Brian