So Spooky

I'm running wild today, but I wanted to stop by and say hello. I'm spending the day in Madison Wisconsin ( Why? Well that's a secret, nosy Parker.) and then rushing back to Chicago for the big broadcast late tonight. All of this sandwiched into what promises to be a wild Halloween weekend.

We've had the compound decorated for weeks. The front yard is a collection of ghouls, skeletons, flamingo carcasses and other manner of the undead, all with the aim of scaring the bejesus out of trick-or-treaters young and old. There is nothing I enjoy more that watching a child frozen in terror on my front walk. The internal battle between giving into fear and running for their lives, is offset by the unyielding desire for candy. It's an epic battle. This year, we had an epic battle trying to decide what candy to toss in the little beggar's bags. We used to go with full sized M&M's, making us the envy of the neighborhood, and ensuring that we would not be the target of Halloween vandals. This year, after much debate, we settled on the more common "fun sized" bars. Hey, there's a recession, we all have to make sacrifices. I plan on dropping a couple of pieces in each bag, since one little bar makes you not only a cheapskate, but ground zero for egg and toilet paper onslaughts.

"Daughter" is going trick-or-treating with her friends this year, and not even in our neighborhood. I miss taking her out for a night of begging. She would walk until her feet bled, in order to accumulate more candy than she could carry. Most of the time, that candy sat in the pantry until it was tossed out to make room for the bounty delivered by the Easter Bunny. We may not have our candy driven death march, but we still took time to carve a jack-o-lantern together. Some traditions have no age limit.

Have a happy and safe Halloween. If you're up late (or early) make sure you listen to the big shows on WGN. The Fri./Sat. edition will be packed with scary surprises and will be the culmination of my being awake for 24 hours. That will be an adventure. Tonight also marks the beginning of a "nine scoop of Noonan" week on WGN. Besides my own brilliant broadcasts, I'll be doing the 2-5 am part of Steve and Johnnie's show all week. I hope you can join me. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian

Giving In To The Hysteria

I'm typing this while wearing rubber gloves and a surgical mask, sitting in a pressurized bubble. No, I'm not emulating the late King of Pop, I'm trying to avoid an invisible killer that is sweeping the nation. There is a Swine Flu epidemic running roughshod over this great land and I'll be dammed if I let myself fall victim to this mutated virus.

If I sound a bit dramatic, it's because I've been listening to everyone from "Wife", health care professionals and assorted news monkeys tell me that unless I'm vaccinated, douse myself in anti-bacterial sanitizer and keep an acceptable "social distance" from anyone with a slight cough I will be struck down. The Swine Flu, (or do you get all highfalutin' and say H1N1?) began appearing last Spring. The news monkeys attempted to spread panic, but the flu petered out and they had to move on to other fears that needed mongering. Last month, new cases of the flu began popping up and unfortunately, the news monkeys got a bit luckier this time around. More people are dying from flu related illness, and to make matters worse, a lot of the victims are children. I'm all for Nature thinning the herd, but I tend to pay more attention when Mother nature sets her sights on the kids.

I have gone my entire life without getting a flu shot. It could be because I don't cotton to voodoo medicine, I'm afraid of needles, or I am a world class procrastinator who usually gets around to thinking about a vaccination after flu season is over. Whatever the reason, I have chosen to laugh in the face of disease, drink a lot more orange juice and hope for the best. I can't turn a deaf ear this year however. The choruses of fear that are being sung far and wide have grabbed me by the short hairs and yanked me to attention. I gave in. Yesterday I went and got my flu shot.

I've been substitute teaching again and am surrounded by little mucus machines. I'm no germophobe, but watching these walking petri dishes spew their fluids to and fro raised a concern in me that I hadn't experienced before. Adults are constantly telling these miniature Typhoid Marys to sneeze into their elbow, wash their hands and throw out tissues, but I've witnessed more flying fluid than at a "Key Party" circa 1976.

I went to my regular doctor to get the shot. I see shots being offered everywhere, but call me old fashioned, I enjoy my vaccinations in a medical facility, not down the aisle from Twinkies and support hose. The vaccination was delivered without a hitch, but as soon as I left the office, I felt achy and feverish. "Wife" said I was being a hypochondriac, I said I had been dosed with a bad vaccine. She may have been right, since today I'm fine.

Thank goodness I am, since with the weekend comes two doses of "Radio Irreverence" on WGN. I'm billing the show as 98% virus free. I don't have any data to back that up, but since I can't infect you through your radio or on the web, I think we're safe. We'll be discussing a wide variety of topics (Vague? Yes, but things are still being put in place.) I can tell you that we'll be playing Dracula Trivia on the Arcade Sunday morning at 2. I hope you'll join the fun. If you're suffering from the flu, think how my special brand of crazy will enhance your fever dreams. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian

Rings Denied

Trying...to...process...my disappointment...through a veil...of tears....with John Williams....music...playing loudly...to...drown ....out....my...thoughts. All right, time to pull it together. Bad news came to the City of Wind today when the IOC announced that Chicago was not chosen to host the 2016 Summer Games.

I say the news was bad because, despite some initial hesitation, I was looking forward to the Olympics coming to Chicago. The thought of opening our doors to the world seemed like a fantastic way to showcase a wonderful city. Sure, there were questions and concerns. Who would foot the bill for this shindig? How would all the venues be constructed in time? Could the city upgrade it's transportation system in order to move the masses? How would I get my mitts on some of the inevitable kick back money? Good questions all, and now there will be no need for answers. No, in it's infinite wisdom the IOC bumped Chicago from contention in the first round of voting. I haven't been involved in such a quick rejection since I made a ham handed pass at a buxom brunette during what was supposed to be an eighth grade make out party. Like the thousands of supporters watching the announcement in Daley Plaza, I left frustrated, angry and wishing I hadn't bought that new shirt announcing an event that would never take place. Not only did I watch Chicago's dreams of Olympic glory die with the announcement, I watched some of my own capitalistic hopes being dashed to the ground.

I wish I could tell you that all my Olympic spirit was based on National and Civic pride and love of pure (if you don't count steroids) amateur athletics, but that would be an outright lie. Some of the proposed venues were going to be close to the Noonan compound. I was planning (without "Wife's" knowledge at this point) to turn our yard into a squatters village for Olympic athletes and visitors. I know some people rent their houses to tourists and visiting athletes, but let's be honest, would you want your house filled with foreign shot putters and archers without your supervision? I didn't think so. No, I was willing to invest in a couple of camp showers and extension cords and set up my own version of a "Jellystone Camp Grounds" or Olympic shanty town. I would have been an effective and welcoming ambassador, teaching our visitors American customs like cutting your host's grass and scalping event tickets. But alas, these dreams will never come to fruition. The 2016 Olympics will be held in Rio De Janeiro. I guess that's a nice place if you like beautiful scenery, exposed buttocks and waxed lady parts. (Who doesn't?)

I'll try to overcome my sadness and mount some "Radio Irreverence" starting later tonight on WGN. I'm sure we'll rehash the Olympic debacle, debate the lunacy of Hollywood types defending Roman Polanski, and explain where you can go to learn how to defend yourself against one of our biggest threats . There will also be the Arcade, roller derby talk and as always..."a whole lot more." Join the fun Fri/Sat from 2-5 am and Sat/Sun from 1-5 am. I may not be hosting the Ugandan Skeet Shooting Team in my yard, but I'll welcome you with open arms. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian

Rude Is The New Black

I tried to start this blog a number of times, but I kept having my keyboard commandeered by some drunk in a leather shirt, who, while professing his love for me and assuring me he would let me finish repeatedly sang the praises of someone else's blog.

It's been almost a week since Kanye West decided to once again show the world what an unadulterated tool he is by interrupting Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards and I still am having a hard time processing why this happened. Not this particular incident mind you. Kanye has exhibited ass like behavior on numerous occasions, and Taylor Swift will still sell a lot of CDs (especially to Daughter) despite the fact that she went home and had to cry herself to sleep on piles of money. No I'm talking about the overall notion that being rude is now the default way to act. People used to be ashamed when they acted rudely, now they wear their ugly behavior like a well deserved medal of honor.

I've seen it coming for a long time, but it really struck me last week when Congressman Joe Wilson heckled the President during a speech. If you haven't heard the infamous "You lie" shout out, then you need to pay less attention to the VMAs and more attention to CNN. Was that rude? Only to the people not following current events. What have we come to as people when one of us thinks it's appropriate to scream at the President, or interrupt an award speech because you don't agree with the outcome? Do we all have so much rage boiling inside us (present company excluded) that we have to erupt at the slightest provocation whether real or imagined? These human volcanoes are all around us, from the "I'm in a big hurry", my time is so valuable, can't get off his Bluetooth, guy at the grocery store who loses his mind because it's taking too long on his price check to the cell phone yappin', nail polishin', mini van drivin', mommy who flips you off and begins channeling Linda Blair when you dare to give her a little horn toot three minutes after a light turns green. Someone needs to bring a little civility back to society. That someone could be me., but I'll need your help.

President Obama, in what was supposed to be an off the record comment called Kanye a "jackass" for behaving the way he did. Good for you Mr. President. More people need to be called on the carpet for their rude behavior. The problem is, most of us are too nice to do it. We avoid the rude, braying jackasses for fear that they will turn their attention on us and then all hell will break loose. I say, it's time to stand up to the jackasses! If you witness someone being rude, don't turn a blind eye, call them what they are, a rude jackass. I know it seems like adding fuel to the fire, but if you do it in a clam, controlled way, you'll look and sound like the disapproving parent these boors obviously lack. It will take some time for this to catch on, but trust me, it will work. Call a jackass a jackass. Just do it from a few feet away so that they can't mule kick you.

I'll be spending the weekend spreading the love via the airwaves on WGN. While I may be accused of jackassery by some, my defense is that I am a social satirist. That and a jackass, but I've been grandfathered in. I hope you'll join the fun, Friday/Saturday 2-5 am and Sat./Sun. 1-5 am. We have a lot of things planned, but usually it's the unplanned events that are the most fun. You'll have to tune in to see which you prefer. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian

Going Into Labor.......Day

I almost fell victim to "taking the Friday before a long weekend off" disease. I could have said I was leaving the office early to get a jump on traffic, but you and I both know, "leaving the office early" in my case means putting on pants and walking into the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Sometimes I wish I had a more traditional job, so I could give into such urges, but then I realize that my whole life has been about giving into those urges, so I shut up and get to work.

This has been a wild week. I have, for reasons unknown, gotten involved in my community. Yes, I have become "a volunteer". There is a big "Fall Fest" in our town, and my subdivision is part of the association that runs the beer and entertainment tent. (BETA, get it?) I've volunteered for small shifts in the tent the last few years. Those shifts usually entailed pouring beer, putting wristbands on hot women and drinking for free. This year, I suffered a head injury and came to the conclusion that if a short shift was fun, being on the "management team" would be fun squared. I've never been good at math, so my theory hasn't really panned out.

I've never worked on a committee, or in an office type setting. When I have an idea that I think is a good one, I implement it. I don't have to run it by a bunch of burned out, long term volunteers who really don't want any young whipper snapper rocking the boat. "That's not the way we do it" has been tossed my way so many times, I started thinking I was in my marital bed. I know throat punching someone is not the best negotiating tool in the box, but I've been tempted to reach for it on more that one occasion. Two other guys from the block were my partners, representing our subdivision. We actually got along great. We listened to each other, didn't discount anyone's ideas out of hand and realized that hawking beer for four days isn't the be all and end all of the universe. We accomplished our tasks with ease. Wow, what a concept! Shouldn't all adults act that way? Well, yeah, but that wouldn't be any fun now would it? I'm starting to realize that some people are just...what's the term I'm looking for? Jackasses! That's the one. No matter what you say, they have to be contrary. They know best and you should just shut up. Then they complain that nobody wants to help. Gee, I wonder why? These do it yourself martyrs love to suffer and then tell anyone unlucky enough to be within ear shot how tough they have it. Call me crazy, but maybe your attitude is a volunteer repellent.

I'll be at the tent a lot this weekend and will give you a full report on the proceedings, including what my bail was set at after several episodes of throat punching on Tuesday. I've accepted my role as an adult and forgone mindless drinking so that I can still bring you all the "Radio Irreverence" this weekend on WGN. Join the fun Fri/Sat from 2-5 am and Sat/Sun from 1-5 am. I know we'll be talking cheap shots and bad athlete behavior, Oprah's ultimate act of entitlement, stinky people on the subway, adult binge drinking, and the beauty of Lingerie Football. All that , the Overnight Arcade and as always "so much more". I hope you can join me. Have a safe, and enjoyable Labor Day Weekend. Later...Brian

Smells Like Teen Daughter

Thirteen years ago today "Wife" and I were in an operating room welcoming "Daughter" into the world. Her arrival and first couple of weeks were not the smoothest, but in comparison to some, not the roughest either. I remember seeing her for the first time, a little, red, goo covered screaming machine and thinking "Things are going to change now." Talk about an understatement.

I won't bore you with drawn out reminiscences. If you're a parent, you have plenty of your own. If you're not, you probably don't want to read some teary memories. It's also quite cliche to brag about your kid, but hey, it's my blog, so step off for a minute. Despite having her father's temper and sarcastic sense of humor, "Daughter" is a fantastic young lady. She's a great student, a talented musician and a compassionate friend. "Wife" and I know that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. Wow, I just sounded like every new age yahoo huddled around a soccer field on Saturday morning, blathering on about how "special" their little bundles of joy are. Suffice it to say that we know she has the tools to achieve her goals if she sets her mind to it. That's a nice way of saying she's not an idiot.

It's hard for me to believe she's 13. Everyone is getting a good laugh telling me that "the fun" is just beginning. By "everyone" I mean parents of teens who have been in jail, rehab, therapy or some combination of the three. I know there will be some trying times. I was a teenager once myself. I am hopeful that "Wife" and I can give "Daughter" the help and advice, and self confidence she needs to navigate these confusing and exciting years. If not, there's always jail, rehab or therapy.

(IN CASE SHE READS THIS)

Happy Birthday "Daughter"! Mommy and I are very proud of you. You've changed our lives for the better (despite some episodes, but those are normal). We loved you the day you were born, today and every day from here on. You are a unique and wonderful person. (stop giggling)
Remember, we are here for you no matter what and will help you however we can. Enjoy being a teenager.

OK, on a different note, it's plug time. I hope you can join me this weekend for a couple doses of "Radio Irreverence" on WGN. It's just what the doctor ordered. (Rimshot) There will be lots to cover, from Milton Bradley's crazy claims, gypsies, my new obsession, a visit from "The Insatiable Insomniacs" and the ever popular "whole lot more". here are the times for the uninitiated, Fri/Sat 2-5 am and Sat/Sun 1-5 am. Stay awake, you won't regret it. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian

Cinderfella

What a week! I used the exclamation point to work up some excitement for what has really been seven days of of domestic drudgery.

The big news of the week was that "Daughter" started school. I know, it's the middle of August, why so early? I have no idea other than that the District likes having a few more days off in Spring and wants to see the kids sweat like day laborers during late Summer. This isn't just another school year for "Daughter", it's 8th grade. Yes, 8th grade, the stress filled, peer pressure ridden, puberty sprouting denouement (wow, I used a big French word) of the Middle School experience. Every assignment, activity and decision this year will be scrutinized, mulled over and fixated on with an eye toward High School and her "permanent record". My hope is that "Daughter" navigates this chapter with more aplomb than her father. I spent my entire 8th grade year obsessed with a rather comely brunette classmate who had blossomed into early womanhood much sooner and with better ( read: bigger) results than many of the other "icky girls" with whom I shared my days. Looking back, I would have had no idea what to do with such a vixen had she returned my interest, but even at that tender age, a Catholic School Girl's uniform whipped me into such a state that diagramming sentences could not hold my attention. At this point, "Daughter" doesn't seem to have more that a passing interest in the hairier sex, loves school and is active in activities that should benefit her for the long term, so I think we'll be OK.

One other event has cast a long shadow over the compound this week. "Daughter" is turning 13 next week, so that means it's time for a birthday party. For this momentous occasion, "Daughter" asked "Wife" and me if she could have a sleep over. Yee Ha! Eight teen aged girls jacked up on sugar, pizza and hormones, hunkered down in my basement for a night of gossip, games and other girly activities. If there's a sleep over, there has to be a theme, so "Daughter" decided on "Beach Party". Last night, with the help of bags full of party store decorations, we turned our wood paneled rumpus room into a South Pacific paradise. i was so taken with the ambiance, I tried to get "Wife" to re-enact a little From Here To Eternity after "Daughter" hit the hay, but she refused to sully the festive atmosphere with anything so unseemly.

I spent the last three days deep cleaning the house. I kept trying to use some old school guilt on "Daughter" by telling her it was all for her party, but in truth, it was just that time. Tuesday was carpet cleaning day. We're not pigs by any stretch, but I couldn't help but feel a bit disgusted as I emptied the dirty water from the cleaner's reservoir. What had only moments before been crystal clear hot water was now the color and consistency of lukewarm chocolate milk. Wednesday brought out the mop and bucket for some old fashioned floor washing. Like a scullery maid or a low ranking seaman, I swabbed the hardwood deck until it shone in the reflected sunlight. My exhilaration over a job well done was not long lived however since my mangy mutt has no respect for a clean floor and tracked in God knows what from the back yard. Yesterday I ventured into the basement to prepare it for the big bash. At first glance, the basement didn't look too bad, and in fact it wasn't, except for countless, almost invisible cobwebs. They were lurking everywhere and never missed a chance to attach themselves to my face. I was spinning, spitting and flailing around so many times that I looked as if someone had connected a car battery to my unmentionables and was testing out the cold cranking amps.

The girls will arrive early this evening and are set to depart early tomorrow morning. There are many activities planned (shirt decorating, limbo contest, scavenger hunt), because idol time is a party killer. I hope everything goes smoothly. There is always some drama when a group of girls gets together, and my skills at smoothing out those episodes are sparse.

If you're thinking, "Hey Brian, aren't you doing a big show tonight and thus missing the beach soiree?" Normally yes, but I won't be in tonight. I can't say much other than, don't believe the propaganda. I didn't "take the night off." I'll be back tomorrow (Sat/Sun) night from 1-5 am on WGN with what is shaping up to be another fine broadcast. It might seem premature of me to say that, but with the ideas I have so far and what always happens "in the moment", I'm confident you won't be disappointed. I hope you'll join me. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian