Secretary Of Wait

I had the distinct displeasure of spending a portion of my day at the Secretary of State's Office trying to renew my license plates. As you know, I love to drive, despite the proliferation of stupid drivers, and being pulled over by "The Man" for expired plates puts a crimp on my cruising.

I thought this would be an easy adventure. All I needed to do was bring a check, hand it to one of the cheery State workers and leave with two stickers that I would slap on my plates, making me street legal for another year. I arrived to find out that I wasn't the only motorist who had this plan. Being the end of the month, my plates were set to expire at midnight. Sure, Big Brother had sent me a notice a couple months ago, even giving me the option of renewing on line or by phone (for a small "convenience charge"), but I'm a busy guy. I also never look at the mail. I leave that to "Wife". That way if someone sends me anything registered, I can deny any knowledge of it. I need to keep some distance between myself and those who seek to destroy me.

Apparently only the elderly and the unattractive choose to forgo paying a "convenience charge" and decide instead to show up at a Secretary of State facility. You can decide which demographic you want to place me in. I was thrown into the middle of one of the saddest groups of people I had even had the misfortune to be a part of. We were all in the same boat. Our options were limited to standing in line, or risking a ticket tomorrow when we went motoring. Despite fancying myself a "man of the people", I really hate being a man among the people.

The civil servants who man the facility were neither civil, nor big on service. The troll-like man who was the gate keeper couldn't get rid of people fast enough. He never looked up, perhaps because his head was the size of an SUV tire and weighed down his neck. He just slurred ambiguous directions and handed out numbers. It's good to see that the State is hiring people who lost their jobs at the carnival ticket booth. The she-beasts who controlled the stickers were drunk with power. They shouted out numbers and corralled the hopeless into a zombie-esque cue. They patrolled the line with vicious fury, demanding our papers like demented border guards. I felt like one of the huddled masses being processed through Ellis island. After an hour of this madness, I numbly handed my documents to the final bureaucrat and received my stickers.

I've learned my lesson. I will give in to the extortion of the State and pay for the "convenience" of never having to hobnob with my frugal, procrastinating friends again. By next year I want to be one of the beautiful people who has a sticker magically appear on their car without the hassle of paper work. Yeah right. Check back with me next year. As for today, I'm cruising on the straight and narrow, giving the "Man" one less reason to harsh my buzz. Later...Brian

It's Been How Long?

Fifteen years ago, on a rainy Saturday on the outskirts of Flint Michigan, a bright eyed and idealistic young man convinced, conned, cajoled a bright eyed, idealistic young woman into marrying him. That would be a great way to begin the story, but we all know that I have never been very idealistic. The rest of it is true as far as you know.

Today is "Wife" and my fifteenth anniversary. I guess that's a long time, but it seems like it hasn't been that long at all. I see pictures of our wedding day all the time in my office, so I don't feel that far removed from the event. When I think about it though, fifteen years is over one third of my life. Now it seems like a longer time. Some people have been congratulating me, but it always seems like the kudos are more for the amount of time than for actually being married. I can understand this. Over half the marriages in this country fail, so if a couple makes it past a week and a half, it's a big deal.

This is our "crystal" anniversary. No, I didn't just know that off the top of my head, I did a little research. I also found that there are two lists of anniversaries, traditional and modern. When I was trying to figure out what to get "Wife" to both celebrate the best decision either one of us has ever made, I was horrified to see that my gift giving had turned into a multiple choice quiz. Did I branch out, and go the modern route, or did I stay true to my traditional roots? I'd like to tell you, but since "Wife" is one of the three people that read this thing, I'll have to keep mum. Let's just say I never disappoint when it comes to gift giving. In a lot of other areas that may not always be the case.

We don't have any big plans for tonight. I guess after all these years, we don't need to go crazy, especially since "Wife" informed me that between fifteen and twenty years, anniversaries have no titles. I let "Wife" pick out tonight's menu and then I'll give her my awesome gift. I may even let her unwrap her present. Ha! Part of being married is being comfortable, and spending the night at home is comfortable for both of us. That, and "Daughter" has school tomorrow.
Happy Anniversary "Wife". I love you.

There, that didn't get too mushy. Later...Brian

Sometimes You Should Just Hang Up

I think Alec Baldwin was a little upset with his daughter. Did you hear the crazy voice mail he left her? This is the voice of a dad who just spent hours stuck in traffic, in the middle of July, in a Dodge caravan with broken A/C and only two working windows, battling stomach cramps, a headache and homicidal urges all just trying to get his ungrateful kids and shrewish wife to a water park in the Dells.

As a dad, I can understand the voice and even the message. I would be lying if I said I've never lost my temper with "Daughter" and said things I regretted. That being said, I've never lost my patience with "Daughter" and said things I regretted. There, at least it's written out in case I ever need court transcripts.

I think all parents can relate to that kind of frustration. I'm not even taking into account all the baggage of Baldwin's divorce. I'm sure it's hard to keep your relationship with your kid strong while you're living on the other side of the country starring in a TV show, yapping about the world's problems and making sure horses aren't being exploited while pulling buggies through Central Park. It has to be difficult to make the effort to keep in touch with your child only to have them not try to meet you half way. I don't care if they're 12, or 11 or whatever. Oh wait that's Alec's logic. It's disappointing sure, but it's a kid, and kid's, for the most part are selfish, goofy little beasts. They'll do things and not realize that they hurt some one's feelings. That's what kids do. Adults need to realize that.

I'm not trying to crucify Alec Baldwin. He may have over reacted to a phone being left off for a scheduled call, but it sounds like this happened on previous occasions. His biggest mistake was not hanging up. If he had just slammed his cell phone shut, flung it across the room and grabbed a Scotch until he cooled down, nobody would know. If he jumped around his house screaming insults about his daughter while head butting a picture of his ex-wife, but had hung up the phone, no one would be the wiser. That's where an explosive temper will get you in trouble. Trust me, I know. It's like an animal seeing red. The phone went to voice mail, he was mad, he left this crazy, rambling, insulting message and then hung up. I would be willing to bet that the phone hadn't even been lowered from his ear when he thought "Oh, man, that was so stupid. I don't really feel that way. I'm an ass."

I think phones, e-mails and text messaging should have some sort of "cooling off" period like is in place for buying a gun. Install some type of pitch regulator on all machines, and if your voice, or words set off an alarm, your message couldn't be sent. It would be like the box that pops up when you try to delete a program from your computer. "Are you sure you want to send this insane message?" Hey I think it's a good idea, if you don't, well, to quote my favorite Baldwin, "you don't have the brains or the decency of a human being. I will fly out for the day to straighten you out. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig." Have a great weekend! Later...Brian

PS...Don't miss the big show Saturday night/Sunday morning from 1-5 am on WGN.

What Can You Say?

I usually try to keep these posts funny or snide or even at times condescending. I've posted a few that were earnest and heartfelt, and they always seem to border on maudlin. That's why I have had a rough time coming up with something to say about the shooting at Virginia Tech.

By now everyone knows the details. With each passing hour more and more specifics are known about the shooter and his victims. In hind sight, a lot of people are coming forward and saying they knew all along that this young man was troubled and perhaps even dangerous. The "experts" and the lawyers will be left to debate what, if any, culpability anyone other than the shooter had in this tragedy. People are also trying to assess blame on school officials and law enforcement, saying they didn't react fast enough. I think that is irresponsible. It seems like the school did what it could with the information it had, and law enforcement acted in the prescribed way. As much as it might comfort folks to place the blame at the feet of various officials, there is only one person to blame. If someone is dead set on committing such a heinous act, there's not much anyone can do to stop it.

This tragedy has affected me on a couple of levels. First, it's always very disturbing when innocent people die. Maybe I'm a little jaded. When I hear news of soldiers being killed, i feel bad. In no way do i mean to diminish their deaths, but I expect soldiers to die in a war. It's no less painful for their loved ones, but it's something that you have had a little chance to mentally prepare for. These students and professors weren't at war. They were just going to school, preparing for the rest of their lives. You can't prepare yourself to die when all your worried about are mid-terms and finding enough change between the couch cushions so you can hit happy hour. I also was affected as a parent. Even though we all know there is no way to keep our kids one hundred percent safe, we figure school is as close as we can get. That bubble has been burst a number of times, but it never ceases to surprise me.

I've been trying to explain what happened to"Daughter" since she hears the news and sees the paper, but there are no answers to some of her questions. My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims families and yes, to the family of the shooter also. I hope that the blaming can stop and the healing can begin. Later...Brian

Second City? Not Today!

Listen. Can you hear it? That's the sound of an entire city, no, an entire region patting itself on the back. Saturday afternoon, the United States Olympic Committee announced that Chicago had won the chance to be the official bid city for the 2016 Olympics. The competition, which began last year came down to a choice between Chicago, Los Angleles or the dreaded "none of the above". Suck it "none of the above" and while you're at it, send a little raspberry LA's way too.

The USOC wouldn't go into a lot of details about why Chicago beat LA to win the bid. They claimed it had a lot to do with a great presentation and great enthusiasm from the people of Chicago and the Midwest. I think it may have had something to do with the fact that our high profile citizens wear underwear when they go out and are rarely the subject of bootlegged sex tapes. Do you really want the athletes of the world exposed to Britney's razor bumped nether regions or a Governor that sounds like he may have tried to keep Jesse Owens out of an earlier Olympics? Hell no. Let's show the world how we roll in the corn belt.

Chicago is a great city, and the team that put together our proposal must have done a first rate job showing it off. A lot of the ceremonies and events will take place along or near the lake front which is beautiful. I hope the city wins the right to host the Olympics. It might mean that Chicago would finally be known for something besides Al Capone, Michael Jordan and Oprah. There's nothing wrong with those three being identified with Chicago, but when you throw in the annoying "Super Fans" and their love of all things sausage, it paints us in a bad light. If we do win, I think the powers that be should make sure George Wendt and his Ditka sweater are banned from Cook County for the duration. Maybe we can lure him into a cave with the promise of a polish sausage and a new mustache.

The USOC did say that the citizens of Chicago should start learning new languages so that we can communicate with the visitors from over 200 countries. Spanish should be easy. There will be a ton of construction going on. We all need to hang out at the building sites and learn a foreign tongue. After that, I don't know where to start. I'll probably lean toward Japanese since it would make my sushi experiences more fun. Then I'd try to pick up a little German. The language, not an actual German dwarf. I would like to wrestle a German shot put chick however. Aahh, global relations. That's what the Olympics are all about. Later...Brian

Oh No He Didn't!

If you haven't heard the lovely comment that radio "shock jock " Don Imus made about the ladies of the Rutgers basketball team by now, then you really need to broaden your horizons. I waited to comment because I knew that with time, the circus would get bigger. The Ringling Brothers couldn't have asked for more.

This week, Imus began the media equivalent of the "walk of shame". He has dragged his craggy face, gravelly voice and preposterous hairdo in front of every camera and microphone that would have him to apologise for his insensitive comment and tell everyone that he is a "good person who did a bad thing". He even sat across the table from Al Sharpton, he of the equally preposterous hair and allowed this ethically challenged "preacher" to judge and humiliate him. How quickly people forget that Al orchestrated one of the biggest witch hunts on the city of New York all based on lies. About the only thing Imus hasn't done to show remorse is lay prostrate in front of Oprah and flog himself with his headset cord while giving away tickets to "The Color Purple." I say enough is enough.

What Imus said is indefensible. It was offensive, stupid and above all, not funny. Imus claims that the goal of his show is to be funny. Wow, he was way off. OK, he was wrong. He has apologised and seems sincere. The only people's forgiveness he really needs to worry about are the women on the Rutgers team. He needs to just shut up now and take his medicine. The more he puts himself out there and keeps saying how sorry he is, the less sorry he'll seem. You and I both know that the more you're forced to apologize, the angrier you get. There will come a point when he just says, "You know what, I said I'm sorry a hundred times and if you don't believe me then just F off." Maybe that's what I would do, but I don't think I'm far off.

Some are saying he should lose his job. That's crazy. Jesse Jackson, who never met a camera he didn't want to jump in front of, is leading a "group" of about twenty people who have nothing better to do in a daily protest outside NBC's Chicago headquarters calling for Imus' head on a stick. Forget for a second that Imus isn't on the radio in Chicago, and most of these people wouldn't know Imus if his big cowboy hat fell at their feet, aren't there bigger problems out there? What about all the African American comics, rappers and radio people who say much worse? Let's focus on everybody. Imus has been suspended for two weeks. He's being punished, he doesn't need to be destroyed. He's a jerk. If you listen to his show, you know what you're getting. We still live in a country with free speech for everyone, not just people we agree with. The market will make the determination. If enough people don't listen to Imus, and companies don't advertise, then he will be gone. It's that simple.

He's meeting with the Rutgers women next week. That should be his last apology. It's up to those women to forgive him or not. After that, just shut up. I've got to go. I'm taking my nappy head to the theater. Later...Brian

I'm Sooooo Bored

"Daughter" is on Spring break this week and I'm already starting to hear how bored she is and how there is nothing to do in this "stupid house". The house is a lot of things, but I don't consider it stupid. I always counter that things aren't stupid, only people can be stupid. You can imagine how well that goes over.

I don't know when it happened, but parents are now expected to be cruise directors for their kids. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait for Spring break or vacations because I could do whatever I wanted. After breakfast, I would be out the door and stay out with my friends all day. Now it seems like kids need to have activities scheduled for them. "Daughter" has friends on the block, but the kids always have to be reminded to go outside. "What will we do?" Can you believe it? How about just running until you drop, or riding your bike? have you ever heard of hop scotch?

I'm planning some heavy labor for "Daughter" this week. It's not that I'm looking for slave labor around the house, I figure I can use it as an incentive for hr to take off and have some kid type fun without any electronic devices. I really have no desire to plan out a weeks worth of activities for a ten year old girl. Does that make me a bad father? Maybe, but it also makes me someone who wants my kid to be a little self sufficient.

I gotta go, "Daughter" needs lunch and an afternoon agenda. I'll start that self sufficient stuff tomorrow. Later...Brian

I'll Take Any Excuse

I'm knocking off early today because it's Good Friday. Most people I know are either off today or get out early, even if they're not religious. That's a pretty good scam if you ask me. I think when it comes to taking off for a religious holiday, you should have to pass some sort of test to prove your devotion. For example, if you want to leave work a couple hours early today, you might have to answer questions like, "What exactly is Good Friday?" If you give some half baked answer, sorry pal, back to your cubicle until five. If you want the whole day off, you would need to produce a note from your priest, or explain The DiVinci Code. Since my schedule is liquid and I spent twelve years in Catholic school, I'm calling it a wash and laying down.

For the first time in a long time, I went to Mass for Holy Thursday last night. We needed to fulfill a couple requirements for "Daughter's" religious education and we are running out of time. If you don't know, Holy Thursday is the night of the Last Supper and when Jesus was betrayed by Judas and arrested. It is also the first night of the "Big Three" as they called it last night. I don't think that's a biblical term. It sounds like the church got a hand from ESPN's marketing department. Good Friday and Easter round out the "Big Three". I keep waiting for someone to start a bracket so we see which day comes out the winner. I've got to go with Easter. It carries more weight and nobody buys a bonnet for Holy Thursday.

Tonight we're headed back to church for Good Friday services. I say services because as I was reminded last night, there are no masses celebrated on Good Friday. Look at me, getting all liturgical on you. I'm hoping tonight goes a bit faster than last night. I enjoy God and all, but last night we were at church for two hours. I know to some of the devout that's a drop in the bucket, but I have really bad knees and a sore back and the kneelers and pews were not built for comfort. I tired to "offer it up" as the nuns used to say, but I walked out of church like a candidate for double knee replacement and a diaper. Tonight we will hear the Passion. I tried to tell "Wife" that we could rent the DVD and be even, but she'd have none of it. I guess she's right. Hearing the reading of the Passion at church has got to be better than watching the gore fest of a movie from the wildly insane Mel Gibson.

I hope everyone has a nice Easter, or had a blessed Passover which ended yesterday. If you're up hiding eggs early Sunday, don't forget the big show on WGN from 1-5 am. I hope the bunny stops by the show. Lent will be over and I have a hankering for a Butterfinger. Later...Brian

Get Al Gore On The Phone

There may be an inconvenient truth about the planet getting hotter, but today I'm calling "bulls**t". It was seventy degrees yesterday and today...SNOW FLURRIES. No, I'm not drunk. I'm also not dandruff ridden and shaking my head like a snow globe. There's white stuff falling from the sky and even though it's Passover and Holy Week, I'm betting it's not manna.

I was all done with winter. My winter clothes were put away and I had begun planning a way to get my pasty skin a golden brown. I spent Monday at the ball yard watching the White Sox lose and catching some rays. I was all set. I even spread extra chemicals in the yard, drove useless miles and used three cans of Aqua Net building a beehive hairdo all in hopes of depleting the ozone layer a little more to usher in the warm weather. You know what they say about best laid plans. They cause Mother Nature to bend you over a stool, that's what they do.

If I seem to be whining, live with it. My inflatable Easter Bunny is taking a beating in winds that are gusting up to 45 miles an hour, and I have to cover up my Spring pedicure with wool socks. I blame Canada. I don't have any hard evidence, just a sneaking suspicion. Whenever the temperature drops drastically, we're told that it's because of a cold front coming in from the North. My first inclination is to put all the blame squarely on the cheesy shoulders of Wisconsin, but they're too close. it doesn't make strategic sense. It has to be Canada, with their nationalized health care, maple leaves and geese. They just want to extend hockey season all year. It's not our fault their baseball teams can't hang. Why do they need to ruin everything for us?

I'd like to type more, but my fingers are turning blue. I should have put on my Oliver twist, fingerless gloves. It's time to go huddle by the fire. Seriously Al, where's the warming? What about the rumor of a second ice age? I'm starting to believe that one a little more. Later....Brian

Not Sure About The Wiser Part

I'm not staying long today. I know you're wondering why, so I might as well tell you. Today is my birthday. Yes, I am another year older. You know what they. You're not getting older, you're getting closer to death.

Normally my birthday sends me into a funk. Instead of basking in the glory of me, I focus on goals that haven't been met, dreams that are dead or dying and that fact that I'll never bed a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Truth be told, I don't care much about the last one. I'll just buy "Wife" a costume, feed her some margaritas then I'll don my Tom Landry fedora and go to town. I think it's part of my proud Irish heritage to dwell on the negative.

This year I made an effort to enjoy the day a little more. "Wife" played hooky and spent the day with me. I don't know if it was love or a suicide watch, but either way it was fun. We saw a movie and tonight "Wife", "Daughter" and I went out for a nice dinner. Now there's rumor of an ice cream cake. I'm so happy I shouldn't be wearing pants. I haven't had any sweets since Lent started so I'll probably go into a sugar coma.

I have a lot to be grateful for this year, but I won't bore you with the details. I still have my boyish good looks, my quick wit and the ability to be completely full of bull at the drop of a hat. (see: boyish good looks) I'm off. The ladies are calling me in for cake. Later...Brian