When It Rains....

The last few days have brought Chicago a lot of rain. If you listen to any of our local weather monkeys, you'll hear a lot of yammering about cold fronts and wind gusts and how lucky they are to have jobs where they don't have to be right. I suppose that if there has to be a job that doesn't depend on accuracy, weather monkey is better than just about any other. That must be why the weather monkey is always the buffoon of the newscast. What are they going to do? They have to take being the butt of the anchors jokes. They have no where else to go. Well, I guess they could become store front psychics, they get about the same amount of information right.

I had to go into the city today for some business. I did what the weather monkeys must do, I looked at the sky, saw it was cloudy, felt the humidity, and figured it was going to rain. Being the forward thinker that I am, I knew I was going to have to park a little way from the radio station, so I grabbed an umbrella. I should be promoted to silver back weather monkey, because it started pouring when I got downtown.

I've never been good with umbrellas. I always seem to have them pointing the wrong way, which inevitably leads to an embarrassing inside out situation. There is no way to look manly wrestling an umbrella while the wind flips your skirt up ala Marilyn Monroe and the rain completely ruins your hair. Yeah, I always dress like that when it's storming. I also have never figured out which hand to use to hold the umbrella. I always seem to come up against needing both my hands, then I'm forced to balance the umbrella on my nose. Being a big guy, I'm never really covered completely by my parasol either. I had one of those snappy black travel umbrellas, but unless you were a munchkin, the only way you'd be traveling is wet. This think kept the point of my pinhead dry, that's it. If I wanted that kind of coverage, I'd go to the fair and buy one of those multi-colored umbrella hats. Functional and stylish. My hands are free, and no one will bother me because they'll think I'm insane.

"Hey, Goof," you may be saying. "Get yourself one of those oversized golf umbrellas." Yeah, that make sense. I'll walk down a crowded city street with a bumbershoot big enough to shelter a small family. That seems practical. Why not just get a giant hamster ball and roll through the rain? When we used to complain about being rained on as a kid, my mom would always tell us, "You're not made of sugar. You're not sweet enough to melt." She's right. There's nothing sweet about me. Unless you count my sweet new umbrella hat. Stay dry. Later...Brian