That's Her Story and She's Sticking To It

I can't stay long today. I have to head out to the woods and re-claim "Daughter" from camp. I'm sure she fared OK, since we didn't get a frantic call from the counselors asking us to come get her. There have been heavy thunder storms in the area the last couple of nights, so I'm sure there was a touch of misery at the campsite. I envision a group of ten year old girls in their own episode of "Tweens vs. Wild". I don't think the Discovery Channel will pick it up, but I may pitch the idea to the Disney Channel.

Speaking of young women battling the elements, how bout that Lindsey Lohan? This chic is 600 pounds of bad news jammed into a hundred pound party girl. This has not been a banner week for the freshly rehabbed LiLo. She was arrested the other day for another DUI (who lets this wild child drive?) and possession of a controlled substance. How's that rehab workin' out for you? According to reports, Lindsey was chasing the car of her assistant when she was pulled over. Cops say she failed the field sobriety test and they found a bag of "white powder" in her pocket. All this while she's on probation for a previous DUI. Today, new reports came out saying that she hijacked the SUV she was driving and that three guys were trapped in there during her Mr. Toad-like wild ride. Just when you thought Britney was the craziest.

LiLo is using my favorite excuse for the alleged cocaine possession, "they weren't my pants." I've made some lame excuses in my time, but never have I tried to convince someone that I was sporting another man's drawers. Does she really expect anyone to believe this tale? Sure she does. She's a celebrity, and thinks she can do whatever she wants. I think she should have blamed space aliens, an evil twin or Hillary Duff for stashing the blow in her Calvins. Any of those would have at least been entertaining. She could have gone with the "Parent Trap" or "Freaky Friday" defense, citing a tear in the time/space continuum. She has experience with those and the excuse would have left people scratching their heads. I guess Lindsey isn't really good at improv and just blurted out the first thing that popped into her head. Come on baby, you're an actress, be in the moment.

I feel a little sorry for Lindsey. She is obviously an alcoholic and drug addict. That's a lot more serious than just being a spoiled idiot like Paris. Addiction is a horrible thing, but it doesn't look like she's ready to kick the habits yet. I know people who have gone to rehab and it's a hard process. That's why they call it "working your program." Maybe Lindsey needs to go to a rehab facility that's not so celebrity friendly. With private suites and liberal visiting schedules, these places don't really seem too tough. How about going to an inner city rehab to see what hard work is like.

All that being said, there's something kind of hot about a woman that out of control. There was a picture of Lindsey last week in a pink bikini, dark glasses and high heels. She was flashing the victory sign and around her ankle was her alcohol monitoring device. That's a party. Let's hope that the party doesn't end in tragedy.

If you have a chance, make sure you listen to the big show on WGN tomorrow night/Sunday morning. I'll be talking to a couple of media guys about Lollapalooza and playing Simpsons trivia during the "Overnight Arcade". It's a great reason to stay awake all night. Have a great weekend. Later...Brian

Quiet, I'm Reading

This week has been unusual. Sunday afternoon, "Wife" and I dropped "Daughter" off at Girl Scout Camp. She will be living in the woods like a badger for the week. This is the second time in a month that we have been alone. Last time, you may remember, we went on an alcohol, movie and dining odyssey. This week has been much more tame, or if you prefer, boring. The last three days at the casa have been ruled by a seventeen year old wizard and his battle with evil. Yes, "Potter mania" has taken over.

Everyone here at world headquarters is a fan of the Harry Potter series of books and movies. Laugh if you want to at the image of me sitting on the veranda, adult beverage within reach, devouring the tales of the boy wizard, but the books are very good. They also provide a nice forearm workout since they are all gigantic tomes weighing in at about 78 pounds a piece. I think it's great that these books are not only getting kids and adult to read for fun, but also spawning a generation of literate Popeyes. I must confess that I didn't start reading them until the third book, since I had already seen the first two movies, and reading those books seemed a little redundant. I read "Prisoner of Azkaban", or P.O.A. as the dorks call it, and I was hooked. I broke my cardinal rule of not reading the books until right before the movies came out after finishing O.O.P. (hey dorks, I'm one of you). I immediately had to read H.B.P. (yeah you know me!) and found myself jonesing for the final chapter. I had never experienced this kind of literary lust before. While I enjoy reading, and like Ed Asner, know that it is fundamental, the idea of longing for a book was as foreign to me as looking forward to a random Thursday.

"Wife" on the other hand was all about the longing. Months before the publishing date, she had gone on-line and taken advantage of some price slashing. She pre-ordered Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" (D.H. from now on. Join us, it's fun.) and was guaranteed that it would be delivered on the day of release. She and "Daughter" sat on the front porch (though they deny this) waiting for our loyal letter carrier ( I was told "mailman" isn't PC anymore). I came home from a bike ride to find them hunkered together on the stoop reading the chapter headings. I'm proud to say that neither of them jumped to the last page to find out the end of the saga. This is very surprising, since "Wife" would rather hit me with a hammer than wait for any type of gift or outcome.

Now the battle began. Who would get first crack at the book? There had been some discussion about buying a second copy, but despite my aversion to sharing, I vetoed he notion. "Daughter" got first dibs since "Wife" and I were busy. She got through a couple chapters before leaving for camp, and since reading in the woods is frowned upon as an unsocial act, it was down to the two of us. "Wife" started Sunday night and almost didn't go to bed. I had lost her to the world of wizards, muggles and evil and there was no drawing her out. The same went for Monday. After scarfing down my deliciously prepared dinner, she ran to the book like Lindsey Lohan to a bottle of vodka. She finished last night and now is bursting to discuss the book with me. Since I'm not Oprah, have no book club and haven't finished the book yet, she'll have to add this to the list of disappointments I have inflicted on her.

I spent a few hours reading Monday afternoon, and am going to read some more today. I always feel weird sitting down to read. I don't look at it as a waste of time, just something that takes up some time. I should have taken the book with me yesterday. I worked as a stand in for an NFL player on a McDonald's commercial. There was a lot of downtime when I wasn't being used as human furniture, but hindsight is 20/20. I'm off to the big chair now. I have to finish D.H. soon, or "Wife" will explode. If I'm done before "Daughter" gets home, there will only be one bookmark left and we can lord it over her head that we know what happened. Time to flex the forearms. Later...Brian

Don't Need Nothin' But A Good Time

I've been wanting to tell you about this for two days, but other show biz commitments and car repair sagas have kept me from my cushy office chair and the "portal to Hell" which is my computer. Despite my outwardly conservative, suburban dad demeanor, I possess the heart of a rocker, and the other night I got the opportunity to let my freak flag fly. (or just kind of stand there, since my freak flag is very short.)

A friend of mine has a cable access TV show and needed a little help shooting an interview. The subject for this piece of journalistic history, the lead singer from the 80's hair band Ratt! Yeah dude, Ratt is "out of the basement" and "back for more" and I was in. It didn't hurt that the venue was about seven minutes from my house, and that Ratt was opening for one of the premiere hair bands Poison. I may be a rocker, but I'm a lazy rocker, so a long commute to be part of this musical mayhem would not have been in the cards. We were granted access to Ratt's tour bus and conducted the interview in the back. I was disappointed at the lack of scantily clad groupies and untoward behavior. Except for looking like guys in a band, you know the look, emaciated, unwashed and exhausted, the guys were all very nice. At the end of the interview, we were given VIP passes for the concert. "We don't have anymore tickets" Ratt's road manager told us, "but these will get you in and let you go pretty much wherever you want." Score! You know I like to be considered a man of the people while keeping myself away from the people, and I love special treatment, so this was perfect. Our VIP passes weren't "all access" laminates that would have granted us entre to the backstage area and, no doubt, to many of the aging rocker chicks in their tight black slut wear, but they were close. I strutted past numerous ushers and when they started to ask me for a ticket, I just pointed to my chest and revealed the all important pass. I was greeted by countless "oh's" and then waved through. We were able to procure a reserved box that had not been claimed and when questioned, made what I coined, "the VIP point."

The concert started. The crowd was made up of the aforementioned slutty rock chicks who ranged in age from 18-50. Some of them were still holding onto their rock bodies, and some were showing the ravages of time. There was so much cleavage on display you would have thought they were giving away cantaloupes at the front gate. Then there were all the guys in their tight black tank tops and bandannas. Yeah dude, you still rock, even though your Camero got repoed. There were even rockers who brought their rocker in training kids. The only thing better than multi-generational rock is watching buzzed soccer moms do the Axl Rose snake dance to the pre-concert music. Welcome to the jungle indeed.

The first band was inconsequential. They were scrawny, loud and from Sweden, that should tell you all you need to know. Ratt came on and gave a good show, culminating with their big hit, and the only song I knew, "Round and Round." It was definitely worthy of a one handed rock salute, but nowhere near as salute worthy as the set by the headliner for the night's party, Poison.

If you don't remember Poison, then you were dead or a Garth Brooks fan during the 80's. These guys battled Motley Crue for hair and makeup dominance. I almost forgot how many hits they had until the big show. These guys still know how to put on a big arena show even though a lot of the tricks seem a bit cheesy when delivered by guys approaching or on the other side of fifty. Singer Brett Michaels repeatedly asked the rapt crowd if we were ready to "rock this f**k*n' house." Maybe he didn't hear us the first twenty times. We were. During every, and I mean every, song Brett also shouted to guitarist C.C. Deville to "play that thing." Having seen the Poison episode of Behind the Music I'm not sure if this was rock dialog or an honest attempt to remind C.C. of why he was actually standing in front of us. Between C.C. and Brett, we were reminded about 375 times that we were in Chicago. Thank goodness. I was so swept away by rock anthems and power ballads that I lost track of where I was. The show also contained a rising drum kit, lots of pyrotechnics and abstract videos. After using the concert mainstay of having the audience sing some lines, Brett would always proclaim, "that's what I'm talkin' about", or "you know what I'm talkin' about." Damn right I do Brett, you're talkin' about a rose, a thorn, a broken angel and you're talkin' dirty to me as you do it. The show ended with a rousing rendition of "Don't Need Nothin' But A Good Time" complete with confetti, more explosions and special twirling lights. It was like getting an aural "happy ending". I was spent and needed to towel off.

If I sound critical, I'm not. I really had a good time. There's something fun about reliving your past and watching people cling to good memories. Poison knows this and really delivered the goods. They may not be the greatest band to come down the pike, but for 90 minutes the other night, they gave all their restless fans "something to believe in."

Try to listen to the big show tomorrow night/Sunday morning on WGN. It's my new producer's first solo show and she's been working hard. It promises to be an exciting four hours of broadcast fun. I won't have any pyrotechnics, but there may be some explosions. Have a great weekend. Later..Brian

Turn The Page

No, unlike Bob Seger, I am not on a "long lonesome highway East of Omaha", instead I am in my office trying to come to grips with what's been happening over the last week. I am however listening to the engine roaring out it's one last song. Sounds dramatic doesn't it?

I told you that "Daughter" was out of town last week, so I ended up treating last week as a vacation too. Even though I was home and not hunkered down in a flea bag hotel that had promised "partial ocean views" but delivered a view of a black velvet painting of palm trees and the opportunity to roast at a pool that butted up to the free way I enjoyed myself. I thought about writing some posts, but then the island mentality took over and I decided to have another drink instead. It's funny how the absence of children will bring out the party animal in some people. While I am always ready for an adult beverage, "Wife" usually abstains. Last week, she drank like it was the end of Prohibition. Every day I would get e-mails setting the cocktail menu for that night. In her defense, it's not like she needs to take the first of twelve steps, but she had a good time. I did learn that she hates her new nickname, "Boozy."

It was pretty slow news wise last week too. I hope that's the case and that the little paper umbrellas didn't just block my view of the newspaper. Our news coverage in Chicago was dominated by the story of a TV reporter being taped by a rival station in the backyard of a man who is now a suspect in the disappearance of his wife. The reporter allegedly got a call from the guy's sister asking to talk to her. Conveniently enough for the rival station, the reporter was on her way to the pool with her kids and was wearing a bikini. Instead of taking a few minutes to change and drop off her kids, the intrepid journalist rushed to the home and took part in an impromptu pool party. Nothing untoward happened, but it looked bad, you know, journalistic ethics and all. The reporter lost her job when the other station started running the tape. This is news? I can see if you had a tape of her helping the guy bury the body (allegedly) or romping nude in the guy's backyard, but besides showing really poor judgment, I don't see where the news in this story is. She is hot though and it's always cool to see someone in garb other than what they usually wear.

Last Saturday night was my producer's final show on WGN. She has been with me from the start of my radio journey and has been a big help. She's moving across the country for love, which sounds romantic. While I wish her nothing but the best, the selfish side of me, (about 79%) is worried about the big show. I have a new producer starting this week and she seems capable and eager, two qualities that I am told are beneficial. I always have relied on anger and stubbornness, and look how far it's gotten me. This week will be nerve wracking for me since change is rarely welcome. To be honest, I'm kind of looking forward to this change. I am now the only person left on the show from the original group. Maybe new blood will bring new ideas, a fresh perspective and the burial of the past. Sure, or maybe it will be a train wreck. Either way, the next chapter begins. Later....Brian

It's So Quiet

It's been a few days since our last meeting. I finished what I dubbed "The Weekend Of Noonan" on WGN and things went very well. If you missed all my fill-in shows, you really need to pay more attention. I don't mean to scold you, but how will I become the next major market radio superstar without your help? No matter, toiling away in obscurity is probably better. Too much attention would just put more pressure on me, and we all know how well I respond to pressure.

"Daughter" left Saturday for a week in Michigan. She's visiting her "Nana". The week will be filled with swimming, late nights and surprises. It will also be a week of no rules which we will have to deal with when she comes home. I guess that's part of being a kid and getting a break from your parents. On the flip side, we get a break form her too.

"Wife" and I didn't waste any time wallowing in self pity once "Daughter" flew the coop. We said goodbye, then immediately went out to lunch and saw an R rated movie. It was as if we didn't believe we could actually do whatever we wanted. Last night we had a late dinner and watched a movie and tonight we're going to see another R rated film. Do you sense a theme? During the day I am able to get my work done uninterrupted and not have to worry about making lunch or erasing the boredom that is beginning to sneak into the Summer vacation. You would think all this freedom would make me giddy as a school girl, but I must confess to being torn.

"Wife" and I are having fun. That's a good thing. Not that we don't have fun when "Daughter" is around, but it's different. We can do whatever we want without worrying about baby sitters, film content or making too much noise (hee-hee). I like not having to worry about what "Daughter" is up to during the day. Does that make us horrible parents? Well if you add that to the long list of errors, maybe. I think we both miss "Daughter" a lot. It's good for kids to get some time away from their parents and get a little spoiled. I think it's good for the parents too. Now we get to talk about things other than "Daughter" and get to act like a couple again without the other responsibilities. I know "Daughter" misses us, but she's having fun too. I may be over thinking all of this or it just might be some good old fashioned Catholic guilt bubbling up. I think I'm just going to embrace the freedom and enjoy the movies. I might even have an extra beer with dinner since i don't have to set a good example for "Wife". I need to get this ironed out soon, because "Daughter" is leaving for camp at the end of the month. What will we do with all our time? Later...Brian

Oh Say Can You See?

It's July 4th, Independence Day. While most Americans are taking the day off, I wanted to stop by and just say how lucky we are to live here. I won't get all Republican, hawk, Lee Greenwood on you, but we really do have it made when it comes to places to live. Sure, there are problems in this country, but at least we can point them out without the "secret police" knocking down your door in the middle of the night. I think it's great that over two hundred years ago, a group of regular guys in funny, triangular hats could see into the future, read the lyric sheet of NWA's Fight the Power and take it to the red coated man. It's that kind of nose thumbing, shove your crown up your wazoo attitude that has made this country great.

Only in America can the celebration of our independence be marked by a contest to see who can eat the most hot dogs. Who always wins? Some skinny Japanese kid. That's how we roll in the USA. If you can deliver the goods, we let you. Today a lot of things will be blown up, but most of them will be blown up in celebration, not as a tool of hate like in other parts of the world. Of course, some will be blown up in trailer parks and the backyards of drunks which will no doubt lead to some amusing stories later in the day, but that's neither here nor there.

I'm off to eat some hot dogs, drink a beer and raise the flag, not in that order and remember the events of this date in 1776 in Philadelphia. I might even wear some knickers and a tri-corned hat. Happy 4th! Don't look down the tube if your firework doesn't go off. It can only end badly. Despite what your drunken friends will tell you, you'll need your fingers tomorrow. Later..Brian

PS Don't forget all the post holiday Brian that will be filling your radio waves. Thursday and Friday mornings from 2-5 , I'll be filling in for Steve and Johnnie and then Friday night from 11-2 I'm in for Nick D. Check out the WGN web site for more info. Gotta go, my sparkler is burning the keyboard.

They Say It's Your Birthday

I'm finding that the Summer is a hard time to write. "Daughter" is home all day and as any parent knows, that means constant running. Swimming lessons, music lessons, making lunch and just keeping her from being "bored" is taking all my time. I had to make time today though to mark a historic event. Today is "Wife's" birthday.

As much as she protests that she doesn't want anyone to mention it, "Wife" relishes the attention that will be showered on her today. She claims she is getting old. (I'd tell you her age, but then I'd need the Governor to make a call to commute my death sentence.) I don't think she's old, mainly because she's two years younger than me, but mostly because she's not. It's said that women, like wine, get better with age, but I'm not going to use that analogy. I've been on the receiving end of a couple bad bottles of old wine. They're bitter and moldy, and while that may describe me, it certainly doesn't describe "Wife". While not always as bubbly as French champagne, her cork has not dried out, and when I sniff her, I like her bouquet.

You may be wondering how a sentimental fool like me will be helping his beloved celebrate the anniversary of her birth. By doing exactly what she wants. "Wife" wanted to go to the Sox game, so I got tickets before the season started. A fancy dinner is being replaced by grilled sausage in the parking lot and a fun tail gate party. "Daughter" and I gave "Wife" the option of waiting for her gifts until later today or getting them last night, and proving once again that she is a kid at heart, she jumped at the chance to receive her presents early. Thankfully, "Daughter" and I had a lot of luck when shopping, and "Wife" seemed to really like her gifts. That puts a little more good will in my account which can never hurt.

Happy Birthday "Wife"! Have a great day and a wonderful year. "Daughter" and I love you despite of or because of you're advanced age. Later...Brian

PS I need to toss in some radio pluggery. I'm doing a few extra shows this week on WGN. Thursday and Friday morning, I'll be on for Steve and Johnnie from 2-5 am. Friday night, I'm sitting in for Nick D from 11-2. I hope you get a chance to listen. Later.