They Call Me ......Mr. Noonan

The life of a low profile, major market radio personality is an exciting one. Days spent looking for interesting material to talk about on the shows, hours combing the Internet for oddities that may inform or entertain the masses, trying to figure out what to have for lunch. (Pepper and egg sandwich today. It's a Friday in Lent) You can see that my schedule is quite crammed with adventure, so it may come as some surprise to you that i have added another title to my vast resume. Teacher. To be more specific, long term substitute teacher.

The more cynical among you may see this as a mere money making venture, while the alarmists are sure to be thinking, "Oh God! He's molding the minds of children?" I scoff at all of you. You know me. I'm all about giving back to the community and I adore children. That may be a little stretch, but to be honest, I needed something else to do that wouldn't interfere with my other responsibilities and subbing fits perfectly. Plus, now I can enjoy some fine lunchroom food. Nothing says fine dining like a chicken patty, tater tots and pears washed down with lukewarm milk.

I had subbed on and off at various times. It's not a bad gig. If you want to work, you answer the phone if a district calls you. If not, you don't. My new position is a set three days with the option of picking up others if needed. The pay is good and it's close to home, so I can still fulfill my duties as "Daughter's" chauffeur, chief cook and bottle washer and scullery maid at the house as well as giving me plenty of time to develop my highly researched and wonderfully amusing radio programs.

The schools I'm teaching in are , let's see if I can be diplomatic here, struggling. No smarty pants, the fact that I'm teaching there isn't the reason. To say these schools are in "the hood" would be an understatement. It's a very urban setting right in the heart of suburbia. Anyone who doesn't think there is a discrepancy in our education system, hasn't been in too many schools lately. The facilities are run down and dirty, and some of the staff are a bit burned out. It's tough being a sub too. You remember the attention you' pay a substitute teacher. Even when I was in school, the sub garnered as much respect as a babysitter. We'd always try to get one over on them. That hasn't changed, but it seems that we used to have some level of fear that kept us from openly challenging even a substitute teacher. That level of fear is gone.

Not all, or even most of the kids I've come across have the confrontational attitude. Most seem like nice kids who want to learn, but are in a tough situation. The fact that I will see them every week will remove the more temporary feel of my appearances. I'm still in the "Don't mess with me" phase with most of them. I know children aren't like dogs, but one of the things I've learned from a few teachers is that you need to show them who's the pack leader right away. Yes, I admit, pinning one kid to the ground with my teeth on his neck might have seemed extreme, but the others fell in line and there is always a newspaper on my desk. I'll share more of my stories from the blackboard jungle as this journey continues.

Now a little plug for my primary gig. This weekend promises more "Radio Irreverence" on WGN Overnight. Tonight/Sat. morning catch the "big show" from 2-5 am. I'll be talking to a job expert and trying to help you if you're out of work with tips on resumes, where to look etc. We'll also be talking Chicago movies and more. Sat. Sun from 1-5 am will feature more hot talk and silliness melded into four hours of fun. I hope you can join me if you're working, sleepless or a lover of fine broadcasting. Hopefully you're all three or an insomniac. have a great weekend! Later...Brian

I'm Not Stimulated

No, this isn't going to be a post about my lack of erotic motivation. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the so called "Stimulus Package" that President Obama just signed into law, but like a lot of you, I'm a wee bit confused.

Economics isn't my bag. In fact Econ. 101 is the only class I ever failed in my entire scholastic career. That may owe to the fact that after the first exam, I rarely darkened the classroom door. Sure, I probably could have dropped the class, but as I said, economics and all things related to it, aren't my bag. Back to the "Stimulus Package". I warn you, if you're looking for some high minded explanation, well informed analysis or partisan bluster, you should probably go elsewhere. I can only tell you, that from a regular guy standpoint, a lot of this plan doesn't add up.

We could go back and forth on the bank bailout, and whether people deserve help with their mortgages. Some people made really bad choices. Some of those choices were based on faulty information, some on laziness and greed. It's kind of like when you ask a waiter for a recommendation and he steers you toward the roasted quail stuffed with fig and gold leaf when all you really needed was a cheeseburger. Of course you could have read the menu yourself, but that's a lot of hassle. (Just a side note, I never mix bird and fig in my entree, but shove a bird in a cheeseburger and you might pique my interest.) I think the bottom line should be that it's better for the banks, neighborhoods and lawn maintenance in general to find a way to keep people in their homes. I'm not saying give a free ride, unless you want to start a pilot program and let me be the Guinea pig, but use some of the trillion (yes, with a "T") to figure it out.

I also like the new requirement that says any company getting bailout money has to limit executive salaries to $500,000 dollars. Oh no, poor CEOs. How will you ever survive? Some of the more right leaning among us might see that as a way for the government to limit wealth. Not so my conservafriends. I think if you build a private company, produce a product or service that people want and don't have your hand out, you should be able to make as much as you can. If however, you have run your business into the ground for whatever reason, shut up and be happy with your "Governmommy" allotted allowance.

As for the rest of this new law, I wish more legislators would have read it. That's right John and Jill Taxpayer, the people who are spending your money didn't even bother to read the entire bill. Granted it was over 1000 pages long (call me crazy, but that might have been a clue that it contained unnecessary spending) and they were in a hurry to get to their long weekend, but shouldn't somebody have published a Cliff's Notes version of the thing? Despite President Obama's declarations of "change", this is more of the same. There is so much money in this plan that isn't going to "stimulate" the economy, that I'd like to personally go up to everyone that voted for it and whack them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, that is if I'll still be able to afford a newspaper. We've heard about the money for mouse protection and extra health and building programs, but this morning I learned of a expense that had me digging the Sunday paper out of the recycling can and rolling it so tight that Cheech and Chong dropped by for some pointers.

Each of our fine, upstanding, morally superior legislators who have nothing but our best interests in mind and who are trying to prevent economic collapse will be wetting their beaks with some of the stimulus money. Each legislator's office will be getting an increase in their "petty cash" account to $93,000 dollars. No, I didn't misplace the comma. While you and I are being told to thank our lucky stars for the $13 a week we'll all see added to our paychecks, Congressperson X and Senator Y will be lining their "petty cash" drawer with almost a hundred grand. I don't know which is more infuriating, the fact that they slipped this through or that they're calling that amount of money "petty cash". It would take me hours to spell out how angry I am about this, but it goes to show that no matter the campaign promises, when push comes to shove, it's always business as usual.

I think we all should write our Representatives and ask for a little of that petty cash. It is our money after all. Of course I'm sure we'd be told that they need that money to better serve the constituents. How, by renting buses to drive us all to the poor house? Very disappointing. Later...Brian

Do You Have A Heart On?

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. To some it is a day devoted to love and romance. To the more cynical among us it is a day to get overcharged for wilted flowers, pay extra for chocolate just because it is jammed in a heart shaped foil box and pour more money into the coffers of Hallmark and local restaurateurs who think that a red candle on the table is reason enough to double the price on their special "Menu for Lovers". It's been my experience that a "Lover's Menu" leaves one too full of oysters, fillet and chocolate lava cake to practice the fine art of whoopee. Talk about a waste of money. I get the same results from a frozen pizza and a few bottles of suds and I don't have the buyers remorse because I wasted thirty bucks on a new pair of heart and cupid embossed silk boxers.

I tend to favor the cynical side of the equation. I understand the history of the day and even fall prey to some of the sentiment, but it all feels a bit forced to me. Will "Wife" be swayed by my declarations of love tomorrow, knowing that I knew I had to make them? Probably not, but I'm not risking the wrath of the forgotten by letting the day slip by. I try to be a little more creative than the average smitten slob when it comes to Valentine's Day. There won't be any flowers or chocolate. Too cliche. I am smart enough to know that I need to avoid any household products or gifts that scream "wow, Brian would love this." "What about some frilly dainties?" you may ask. No chance. I learned long ago that my taste in undies and "Wife's" are worlds apart. I don't think I'm the only guy who thought he knew that inside his lovely wife lurked the soul of a wanton floozy only to discover that some fantasies are better kept to one's self. I didn't even know she was allergic to latex.

Fellas, whatever you decide to do, do something. It may not matter to you, but believe me, despite arguments to the contrary, it matters to her.

Here's a little radio bulletin. I won't be doing my usual Friday night/Saturday morning show tonight. Instead I'll be on WGN from 9-12 noon Saturday morning. I'll be co-hosting with Dan Deibet. We paired up a couple of weeks ago for a show and it went very well. Tomorrow should be a lot of fun, and it will give all the people who told me they couldn't listen because they sleep during my show a chance to listen. I'll be back later tomorrow night for the big WGN Overnight show from 1-5 am. I hope you can listen, we have a lot of things on tap. Have a great weekend Happy Valentine's Day. Later...Brian