It's A Swine, Swine Day

Hey. How's it going? What do you mean? I've been around. Haven't you been reading all my Facebook updates and Twitter tweets? I've gotten so into the other social network sites that now I can only think, type, speak and love in short bites. "Wife" is happy about most of them, but wishes I would type more. Ha! In the words of Ralph Malph, "I still got it!" I decided, after much chiding from friends and family (you know who you are) to toss my brain back into the saddle and see if I was once again capable of putting more than 140 characters together to form coherent thoughts. Wow, I seem to be over the limit already. See ya!

Man, I'm cracking myself up today. It must be denial over the fact that, according to all news reports, we're all about to die. Yes, happy Friday. You've been marked for death by (cue dramatic music)....Swine Flu. Now I could go into all the facts about this nasty virus, tell you to wash your hands and cover your mouth when you cough, and to not make out with pigs ( I don't care if it is closing time and you're very lonely), but that would just confuse matters. Why muddle the issue with truths when I can go into full blown fear mongering mode? Isn't that more fun? Sure it is.

Ever since the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control started bandying about the term "pandemic" the more skittish among us have headed for the figurative hills to protect themselves from this microscopic killer. We've been warned not to make any "unnecessary travel" to Mexico. What other kind is there? Unless you own a pottery factory, need to stock up on Chicklets or are a drug runner/human trafficker, all travel to Mexico is unnecessary. Fun sure, but unnecessary. Even Vice President Joe "I never met an opinion I wouldn't express at an inappropriate time" Bidden is fanning the flames, telling an already nervous America that he wouldn't get on a plane, or even the subway right now. You tell 'em Joe. Nobody wants to be stuck in an enclosed space with someone who could potentially destroy us with some flying phlegm. Run for your lives! Schools have been cancelling proms, concerts and field trips because one student in school "doesn't feel well". I don't know about you, but if I were in school, I'd be using the old, light bulb on the thermometer trick to fake some Swiney symptoms. A cough and flushed cheeks can clear a school faster than a bomb threat these days, plus the evacuation lasts longer. Not only do you get a few glorious days off, but you come back to a squeaky clean school. no more chewing gum under the desks or crudely drawn anatomy diagrams in the bathroom stalls, only the feint smell of pine and a well rested feeling. One Chicago school has banned students from shaking hands, fist bumping and hugging, but the good news is they can still shoot each other. Talk about overkill. Hit now. Do I even need to comment on all the people wearing masks outside the areas where the virus is spreading? I guess I do since there are so many nervous Nellies buying into the hysteria. Stop! If you're running out to the drug store to stock up on flu meds, don't put on a mask. One, you look like a jackass. Two, you're buying medicine that will kill the bug and three, I'm going to shoot you and say I thought I was being robbed by a masked bandito. That'll learn ya'.

Pig farmers have been whining that they're getting a bad rap, so to punish all of us, they aren't letting visitors come to the pig farms anymore. You thought going to Mexico was unnecessary. To paraphrase the great Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction "the pig is a filthy animal." Duh. Are any of us weeping over the loss of visiting privileges at Pigland? Not me. If I want to see dirty beasts wallowing in their own filth I'll visit a local swap meet in July. Pig farmers are also stressing that people can't get Swine Flu, oh I'm sorry H1N1, from eating pork products. That's absolutely true. You'll have no problems eating your favorite pork, but if you pull your favorite pork, that may lead to something unsavory. I know, but I couldn't resist.

If you're awake all night this weekend suffering from flu induced night sweats, or just living your life in the wee hours, tune in for another "Two Scoops of Brian" weekend on WGN. The "Radio Irrevernce" takes place Fri/Sat from 2-5 am and Sat/Sun from 1-5 am. I'm sure more flu fear will be mongered, people and ideas will be discussed and mocked and games will be played. The only thing missing is you. Now, go put plastic on your windows, grab your radio and head down to the basement or the shelter of your choice. I'm feeling feverish. Have a flu free weekend. Later...Brian